Friday, September 18, 2015

miss, miss, miss my kid

The Scoot is away at college and i'm weirdly, sadly depressed about it. I mean, i understand that it's "normal" to miss her but i feel sad all the time. well, most of the time. I am just uninterested in stuff (even tiny house building! gasp!) and tired and MAD a bunch of the time. It's been a month now and I was starting to feel a little more normal (e.g. not bursting into tears all the time) but I'm still not really interested in doing anything. I mean, i AM doing things. I understand i have a family who loves/needs me and who i enjoy. It's just that everything seems like work and i'm tired and just... blah. i also feel guilty about being such a mess because Scoot is going to a very local school (mi alma matter, in fact!) so it's not even like i'm that far away from her. I think what i'm missing is the me i get to be when she's around. It's a "me" that is strong and capable and APPRECIATED and understood and who is loving and insightful and FUNNY. there are a bunch of people in my life who make me feel those things in bits and pieces but she's the only one where it's like that all the time. She is and has always been the one area where I don't feel like i ever have to "work". {sigh} Anyway, I was wondering what to do with all the messiness and FEELINGS so i ended up getting a tattoo. Yesterday. I know it sounds weird/cliche/contrived but i actually think it's helping. I mean, it HURT so there's that. nice way to focus some of that internal energy onto an external target that i know will heal and will look fabulous once it does. Also lovely that an old friend was able to do it for me. It was great catching up with her and helped me to remember how lucky I am with my life and my family. Lastly, it is just so cute! it makes me smile and gives folks around me something to be happy about regarding me which is a nice change from everyone feeling weird about me being all weird but not knowing what to say. Not saying it's completely turned everything around, but it seems to be helping alot.