Thursday, July 31, 2003

So, at the urging of Miss Bee I joined Friendster a little while ago and soon thereafter Mistah Lovah Lovah inquired as to whether or not i would be his friend to which I replied in the affirmative and now (after having not having checked in a while) it would seem that not only is Alice suddenly a part of my personal network, I also apparently have 21484 other close personal buddies... Is anyone else intimidated by what this system seems to be supposing...?

Riddle me this...

I just got a spam message with a subject line stating: "Her feminine size" (??!) My mail host wouldn't let me open it (well, it strongly cautioned me against entertaining such a foolhardy idea and since I don't feel like wiping out my harddrive and all the attendant project files on it, I will obey) but seriously...! What on earth could that be about??? Anyone??

Also, what is it about "dating" that makes you want to run back to the relative safety of your ex's bed?? I've been having some majorly inappropriate thoughts about a coupla of them lately (thoughts which quite conveniently bypass the "issues" and skip straight to the sexy bits) ..... Ah, well, Life has seen fit to give me a nice measure of time to spend with some very talented SOs (which is more than those poor starving kids in Quebec will ever have!) so I s'pose I should not get all cranky about the fact that certain people won't just drop everything they're doing in order sleep with me whenever I ask them to. (Selfish bastards...)

One down, one to go!

Well, that was fun. O.K. so maybe not fun, ha ha... Can I just say, if you're going to go out on a date with someone and you want to ask them about stuff that when they answer is going to provoke on-going fits of nervous laughter, can I just suggest that you ask them over e-mail or during the pre-date phone call.... Can I please just put that out there??! K. So, date was o.k. Young Lad was nice enough but a bit different than he initially "presented", shall we say... (Oh, my goodness! It would appear that the cute butch girl I smiled at on the street this morning is HERE for some sort of meeting...! well, hell-lo... Sorry, {focusing}where was I...?!) Anyway, ended on a handshake and a "Nice meeting you" then I was off to my snuggley, fluffy bed, to pay some much needed attention to my cats and to place an introductory call to Date #2, B-R Guy, who BTW was awfully nice. He seems articulate and funny and I think he may be willing to indulge my power tool fetish so you know it's all good!! Anyways, I'm seeing him on Sundee after the peeps leave so we shall see what we shall see....

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Yes, but is it cheating...?

Just e-mailed Young Lad to re-arrange times with him (onna counta I was looking forward to going out and meeting up and stumbling around drunk a little bit and now I kinda just want to get out of our date so i can go home and get on the phone with someone else...!) And, thing is, I actually feel a little bit bad about it. I feel bad because Young Lad is a nice person -- I think (!!) -- but he's just not giving as good conversation as some of my other potentials...! On the other hand, the whole situation strikes me as kind of hilarious. Let's all bear in mind that I have actually met none of these people and that I've only seen somewhat blurry photos of them (none of which were particularly scary) and I'm already getting all attached to some and sorry-feeling for the others. Gawd, I am such a freakin' girl about this stuff! Oh, well. Whatever. My capacity to be weird amazes even me...

Now, they come crawling back...!

For those of you who are keeping score, three more of our original 11 potential datees have "checked back" as of this morning, and I have to say, I'm no longer impressed. I dunno what it is but they're just not as compelling as they were last week. I have two dates set up, one on-going conversation and a "get wit chu when I get back from Dallas" (which could mean anything really) and I think I'm good with that. Not that I think these two dates of mine are going to "turn into anything" but the simple act of lining them up has made me think long and hard {snicker} about what exactly it is I'm looking for. I mean let's review the facts, here. I have work 8 hours a day, five days a week. I have my kid 3-4 days a week, I'm trying to get another kid who I will have seven days a week and grad school starts Aug. 25th which means that I'll be spending at least two evenings a week in class and hopefully some time studying and writing papers and stuff. Which leaves me with what...? approximately 8 hours a week to grocery shop, wash clothes, clean the house, de-flea the cats, kill the ants, wash the dishes, return the library books, watch my favorite TV show check in with my peeps, take a shower and hopefully, sleep. K. So, essentially what I'm looking at is a chronic lack of time in which to engage in the requisite face time to conduct an actual relationship with an adult person while, at the same time I continue to want to have SEX! And not just any ole sex. I want to have that happy, cool, relaxed kind where should you start laughing for no particular reason right in the middle of it you don't have to spend the next three hours doing "damage control". [see above: I have no time for damage control!] Also, I don't want to have anybody freak right out if I have to cancel on them because I have my kid an extra day or I have to finish a paper. Basically, I want the kind of relationship I have with my friends + sex. (Although, I gotta say, the kind of relationship I have with some of my friends is pretty damn close to that -- heh heh heh... sorry...moving on...) So, this is what I want, I guess. I want to establish on-going friendships wherein it is a given that if the urge strikes us and if we have the time, boots will knock. What do we think? Is it completely naive to envision such a thing happening??

Anyway, Date #1 with Young Lad is tonight. He seems perfectly charming. He also seems like he's about twenty so hopes for this going much further are slight but it should be fun just the same.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

ah ha! Upon further investigation it would seem that Scary Girl explicitly stated in her last e-mail to me that she would "ttyl!!" (I'm assuming that means "Talk to you later" -- ah, these crazy kids with their abbreviations...!) so I'm off the hook, right? Or is that simply a way to wrap up a conversation and I am still required to "check in"?? Anyone? Help...?


Good or Bad? Discuss...

Didn't we just spend a whole bunch of time trying to become more visibly in "the mainstream" so we could become more familiar (meaning less scary) and ergo less likely to get pounded all the time...? I dunno, In my humble opinion the only rational/legal way this school can continue to exist is if it is open to anyone who wishes to attend it. I mean, I can see establishing it as a safe space for gay, lesbian, transgender, and questioning youth but seriously, I don't think a publicly funded school is allowed to not let certain students in (and what are they going to have to do anyway -- pass a little quiz? Produce someone of the same gender/orientation and make out with them for a specific amount of time?? Mind -- boggles...) C'mon. Separating "the gays" may make for a more comfortable high school learning environment (maybe) but it's not going to address the larger social issues of inclusion and acceptance and I think it might just end up making things worse further down the line...


I just sailed in here three minutes ago. BART sucks! Anyways... have not yet had coffee so I'll keep this short. My Dads and my niece are coming to town for a coupla days in just a bit and I'm sooooo excited! I did the full-on bathroom clean-up (which involved bleach no less!) last night and tonight I'm going to throw down with some vacuum attachments and a little spic n span! That's right people, watch my dust! I mean lack of dust... oh whatever...

In other news, my truck got broken into. At least the camper shell part of it.

What they took: a pack of toilet paper, a bag of potatoes and some clothes washing detergent. (No, I do not live in my truck! I went shopping for supplies and was too lazy to take everything inside...)

What they did not take: my tent, my tools, my radio, the money in my glove box, my kid's library books, my kid's float-ey toys, yet another container of clothes washing detergent (I guess the thieves had a brand preference) and my electric pump.

They did not break my window, they did not leave the campershell door open and they did not otherwise trash or destroy anything else. All in all, I'm pretty o.k. with the whole situation. If nothing else, it's a nice little kick in the pants to get me to clean out my damn truck!

Oh! and I just remembered they took some magazines a friend had given me (Martha Stewarts' Living, Real Simple and Lucky. Now, since even I am not witty enough to comment on the buckets of irony inherent in their selections, i'll not even try.) Bye now. I'm off to find a cup and some joe.

Monday, July 28, 2003

Quick ad update: out of 11 initial flurries of stat exchanges and a week-end to digest ... THREE persons have stepped up to continue with the correspondence! Whoo hoo! One is, funnily enough, Mr. Initially-Insipid (or "I-I"), two is Young Lad from the East Bay who is keeping me in freaking stitches with his postings and three is a disillusioned engineer/bike racer guy who just told me he's "cool with my age" because he's into "older women" (prick!!) Anyways, of the ladies, Scary Girl was the only one I wrote back to and she has not replied as of yet today -- but that may be my fault because I may have been the one who was supposed to "follow up".... not sure. Should check.

So there we have it. I have scheduled two dates: one with B-R guy and one with Young Lad.

I-I and I have decided to wait until he returns from some alleged "business trip" before attempting further plans (which may just be a nice way of blowing me off but we shall see...)

For now, I must say, while I am a bit disheartened that some of my original picks (who were campaigning with some enthusiasm last week) have failed to check back, I'm not at all displeased with the conversations I'm having with the few who remain in play as it were. Good show, Gentlemen. Let the games begin!

On the one hand...

Don't mean to offend... On the other... This is freaking hilarious!! [Thanks to Pixie via CreepyLesbo]

Here's a bit of "unsubstantiated" gossip from Pixie as well... pssst! Bush sucks, pass it on...

the response

So, the ad was placed on Friday and i must say the response was better than I anticipated. Out of about 67 replies there were 10 which were not insipid and 1 which was insipid but it was soooo insipid that I had to reply and the ensuing dialog has actually been quite hilarious. The ad ran in both the Girl seeks Boy and the Girl seeks Girl category (not to worry. I was a good bi-girl and warned everyone that that would be happening...) The breakdown in response, by gender, was 64 boys and 3 girls. One of the girls was looking for someone "feminine and discrete" both of which I am in spades but I just didn't think it would work; another wondered if I would like to meet her husband accompanied by a pic of her (i'm assuming, husband's) member (sexy!)plus they live in San Jose, and the last was from a charming lady who seemed intelligent and normal and who I must therefore be afraid of. Not that I'm not going to write back but I don't know if I have it in me to associate with a gal I can't keep at arm's length. P'raps I should give ole San Jose and her body part a chance...

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Disturbing interludes…

In an otherwise perfect weekend. Weekend = great! Had the kid all day both days so you know it was all good. Sat. was spent running around to various birthday type events including stopping by the new Hayward residence of my girls and finding out that both of them are doing fine. Their moms moved them into a new house with four bedrooms so they all have their own space (at least for now.) Her new man seems fairly nice and the girls looked good. Stayed just long enough to pass out the prezzies and the contact info should they need to find me and we were off to the next get-together in SF. Second birthday party was very awfully fun as well with lots of cool parental interaction (there’s a neat little super-shy kid whose parents are trying to get him into Boo’s school. They’re from New York and they are FAB-ulous! I really hope we see more of them.) Then, back to the homestead for a bit before dropping the child off with the Misses B/ees et al for a sleep-over then it was off to the Big City to indulge in a little adult entertainment by way of a very swank dinner party thingie hosted by a wonderful lad who was celebrating the end of his first year with his lovely soon-to-be-an-aspiring-writer-boy-toy. Party was very nice. Super low key, fascinating people, aforementioned STBAWBT was A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E and quite a catch and I think extra congratulations are warranted! Congrats!! Got to confab with all manner of choice people and got to watch the fireworks go off over PacBell park (because, when all is said and done, what’s the point of having a swanky celebratory party if you can’t adjourn to the balcony for a festive lightshow…??) Last but certainly not least, I was able to round out my eve engaged in a much needed tete a tete with the ever elusive Pretty Boy who since he got THE JOB has become harder to pin down than a greased flea but he was home and up and willing to entertain me for a bit – bring me up to speed re: the job, the car, the gym etc. – before sending me on my way back to the snuggly cotton freshness of my green-ey gold bed…. We {heart} Pretty Boy! He’s a keeper that one…. Then, this morn, up and shower and off to get a bagel bribe to take to the B house in exchange for my Boo. Switch happened, short visit occurred then off, once again to yet another birthday party for one of young Boo’s very best-est friends at her house in Frisco.

And here’s where the weirdness begins…

So, there are all these kids running around right, and there’s this one, Lane (that’s his real name by the way. Mark my words this kid will end up in the news -- and not in a good way) who is obsessed with Boo’s Best Friend like to the point where he keeps following her around and demanding to know where she is any time she manages to elude him. Both kids are about six years old but Lane is bigger and stronger and at one point he was pulling BBF around by the arm to wherever he wanted her to be. Now this is key. I’m all for the fun and games and I grant you that I don’t know this kid and his relationship to BBF but there was a point in there where he had dragged her to the couch and was kind of sitting on her and she was saying “I want to get up” and he wasn’t letting her and no one (by which I mean the adults present) seemed disturbed in the least. Everyone was smiling and discussing which schools were “good”. So, I went over and made him get off her and she RUNS away from him and climbs onto the couch next to her mom who is pregnant and resting and smiling and tries to kind of crawl back behind her. Lane comes over, grabs her leg, pulls her off the couch onto the floor and kind of crouches on her. She assumes a sort of balled up fetal position and once again all the adults in the room, mom included, sit there watching this little spectacle with these “kids will be kids" kinds of smiles plastered on their faces. Meanwhile BBF is not moving. Lane is continuing to terrorize her. I look at Boo who looks and me and we both shrug and look at BBF's mom who FINALLY sort of notices that her kid is kind of comatose and says “Are you O.K.?” I stand and stretch (in what I hope is a menacing way) toward Lane who finally moves away from BBF. She continues to stay huddled up though until her mom leans forward to touch her, then she springs up and runs behind the couch. Lane starts to go after her but he is stopped by her mom who says, “Not right now Lane, I think she needs a little alone time.” (!!!!) So. O.k. am I right in thinking “What the Hell??!” Is that not completely fucked up? Anyone?? Now, I know all the “not really my business”, “may not know the entire situation”, “shouldn’t assume that this is typical” blah, blah, blah bullshit but, seriously, is it just me?? I am completely disturbed by the fact that a roomful of adults would sit there while a five year old is tortured and I am amazed that this little psychopath is even allowed near BBF (apparently they are old friends. His nickname for her is “NumNum”) on a regular basis. What could I possibly be missing? Anyways, BBF managed to stay kind of away from him for the rest of the party – upon picking up her son and watching him grab BBF from behind and announce he was “bringing her” with him, Lane’s mom beamed and was heard to remark “Lane just loves BBF!” and I am in shock. I’m all over cutting BBF’s parents some slack because they seem like nice enough people and I know it can be hard to deal with tons of kids and birthdays and pregnancy and all of that but still, that kind of dynamic isn’t built instantly, right? It looked like it had been going on for awhile… {sigh}. Anyway. Not saying I’m the world’s best parent or anything but I do think sometimes that there’s some fucked up stuff being accepted as “normal behavior”. Then again, what can a person realistically do…?

You know what though, if anyone ever sees me being abusive or putting my kid in an abusive situation (even if I think I’m being normal and rational) please tell me your concerns. I’m not saying I’ll change anything right away but I’ll listen and I might snap out of whatever weirdness I’m indulging in.... Maybe. Maybe not. Probably if I’m not seeing that my kid is being potentially damaged, I’m not going to be in the mood to listen to criticism. Even so, tell me anyway.

Friday, July 25, 2003

Call for submissions

By the way, i love hearing from my peeps in response to the stuff I write what'd I'd really like though is for people to use the "comment" feature at the end of each post. It says "{sigh}" when it's empty and it makes me sad to look at. Obviously, if what you want to say is very personal then feel free to contact me the other way but if it's just a general "Um, THAT was kind of stupid..." or something equally helpful, i'd love having the ensuing flamewar be a bit more public....

Receptionist wanted...

Yo, if anyone out there knows of anyone who is looking to hire an entry-level receptionist, office assistant type let me know. There's a super-nice lady here at work who is looking to change careers (currently a security guard); super personable, but not a lot of office experience. (and cute! Can I just say...!! Not that that's any reason to hire her nor is it my primary reason for wishing to assist but jeesus, gawd, I gots to say, she's pretty easy on the eyes...{mind drift} Oops... sorry, where were we...)

The kid has a luhau (sp?) at school today so she is all dressed up Hawaiian style and I just have to say, she is adorable! Mistah L-L is picking her up from school and he has a digital cameral so those of you who want access to some primo "Boo-being-cute-in-a-sarongey-sort-of-way" pics let me know and I'll see about floating some your way...

So, I'm feeling the lack of snuggling in my life and am thinking about posting an ad on Craigslist. I imagine it would run thusly:

"Here's what I want. I want someone who is mostly nice, fairly funny and kinda cute to read this ad. I want that person to respond with a witty e-mail that will make me smile. I want us to meet for coffee/tea/bagels/whatever and freaking slay each other with our charming ways/ hilarious wittisisms. (I want someone who knew I spelled "witticism" wrong but was willing to cut me a little slack.) Once we've established that we're both brillant, sexy and 'doable' I want us to figure out a time when we can get busy. I want us to continue to write to each other; to occassionally call each other late at night and, whenever there's a break in our otherwise stupidly hectic schedules, I want us to f*** . If this works for you let me know; if not, why not? I'm curious..."

What do we think?

BTW, the butt is doing fine. It was many time less painful this morning than it was yesterday although it still hurts to sit...

Thursday, July 24, 2003

what is my damage??!

How is it that I keep forgetting everyone's birthday?? Happy B-day, Big brother! [Actually it was yesterday] You rock!


Less than 5% of the Californian voting population may get to choose the next governor! Sweet! K. folks, let's do this...! All I need is 3,500 bucks and a few thousand siggies, whaddaya say? "Chick in 2003"??

You know what's nice? An impromptu evening visit from the ever-fascinating Miss Tail, that's what! What's nicer? Her bringing ice cream and wearing an awfully cool pink, stretchy top thing! We wuv!!Gonna miss that girl when she's gone {sniff} but at least she sounds like she's moving in a fairly happy direction and what the heck, I may find a way to make it all the way into the City now and again for a visit to her new pad. {smiling bravely. moving on...}

So, my back/butt still hurts. If anyone knows anyone who gives a decent massage send em my way will ya. (Actually, if anyone knows anyone who gives an indecent massage...! heh heh heh -- Ouch!)

I am curently reading "Eyes on the Prize" the "companion book to the award winning documentary showcasing the civil rights movement from 1954-1965" and getting all outraged 'n sheet. Thing is, I am a product of this whole move to integrate thing. Moms and Pops were there, on the buses, in the marches. Big brother was featured in one of those "babies in jail while their parents await sentencing" photos, I've heard the stories but, thing is, i don't think I ever really understood them until I started doing some re-reading (or in this case, first time reading) of some of the seminal texts that came out during and about that period of time in our fabulous nation's history. I mean, sure, I colored the cut-out of MLK Jr. in kindergarten. I sat through the requisite snippets from the civil rights movies in Civics class. I read "Soul on Ice", I was president of the Black Student Union fer chrissakes -- why then am I surprised and outraged at by the murder and subsequent double "hung juries" of Medgar Evers? Why do I know more about Fannie Mae (the folks who service my loan) than I do about Fannie Lou Hamer and the drive for voter registration in Mississippi? What about Joseph Rauh, fer chrissakes, and the truckload of chutzpah it took for him to champion the MFDP cause as well as to spend the rest of his 81 years fighting discrimination and attempting to ensure that the law be used as "a vehicle for righting social wrongs and not perpetuating them."??

I am amazed that I, a fairly progressive, mixed-race, soon to hold a doctorate in Educational Policy, flaming liberal know next-to-nothing about these people and the events they helped create and support. I suck. I'd love to blame the system though, so if anyone else feels woefully inadequate re: the discussion of these and other pertinent historical movements let me know. If there are enough of us dumb-asses out there I think we've got a really good case for shifting the blame onto the schools!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

One Man. One Murder.

This guy is wack. I really kind of like this particular theory though....
Went to see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle BTW. It rocked!! I was slightly trepidatious because an aquaintance had labeled it "bad. and not the good type of bad..." but after having seen it I can only say what the hell did he expect?? I found the movie to be exactly what it was sold as and delightful to boot. I could have lived without Bernie Mac and his bizarre performance as a man who apparently was instructed only to "make something up" instead of being given actual lines to deliver but other than that... Kudos McG and crew! Nice job. I laughed out loud several times and when the music started for the Strip club scene (featuring the PussyCat Dolls in addition to our handy trio) I believe I may have actually said aloud "Sweet, God, no! Are they...??" before being silenced by the sheer mass of sexiness that proceeded to pour forth from that screen. My gawd. Wow. that's really all I can say. Wow.
I like P'Bo though. I'd date her..
No they did not! Mattel gets into the "saggy-baggy" action with thier newest fashion doll stud, Tre... I fear for the future. (Although, he is kinda cute...)

Is it just me...?

Or is it wierd for an eight year old to be out pimping for her moms and grandmoms?

"and remember all you men out there my mother 29 and grandmother 57 are both single their address is the same as ours..."

Also, I really don't buy that a kid wrote this:

my grandmother carolyn is into genealogy and if you visit her links below you will meet some of my kinfolks hayes in missouri and davis in oklahoma also my mother roxie is very pretty and she is also single so you must check her out..

I mean, c'mon, what eight year old knows how to spell geneology and uses the phrase "you must check her out"??

Anyway, I've had some coffee and I'm sitting very still so my mood is slightly better.

Today I am not sexy

Today I am in pain. I'm tired and whiney and crippled. Yesterday I was the same but I had the good sense to stay home and sleep all day. Today I am sitting upright and typing and feeling sorry for myself. I know that I am not sexy today because I met some lady in the elevator who was. She was smiley and vivacious and wearing neat stretchy leopard print pants. She had platinum blonde hair, chocolate skin and two gold teeth. She was wearing 6 inch heels and when she said "Anything sweet in there?" (referring to the plastic bag I was carrying) she coupled it with a super-toothy smile and a Costa Rican accent. She is sexy. I am not her ergo I am not. Today, I'm not even close.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Mistah Lovah Lovah just filled me in on his week-end complete with video footage. On the one hand I am horrified. On the other I am somewhat grateful that this particular technology didn't exist when we were young and stupid. The photographic evidence is bad enough...


You wanna know what'll turn you off chocolate syrup forever? Being on the coffee clean-up crew for the week and having it be your first day cleaning and thinking it is about time to change the syrup bottle (since it currently takes thirty-two short pumps to get even a drop of chocolate and that's just not going to cut it, this is the government people!!) and pulling out the pump-thingie and, in a burst of enthusiam for the sheer mass of chocolate that is running down it, swiping a finger along it's glistening brown shaft (stay with me folks, we'll talk about *that* later) and right before popping said finger into mouth, glancing down and seeing that the entire shaft of the chocolate pump is covered with mold (!!!!!!!!) ! That's right folks, whitey-green dots of chocolate syrup mold. Not that i'm implying anything and not that anything like this has ever happened to me but I gotta tell ya, were it to happen, I think I'd be pretty grossed out....

Week-end was weird. The Good stuff first: Ms. B has emerged from her surgery altogether fine, practically spry in fact (not too mention extremely sexy-looking in a pajama-pants wearing way... woof!) and is now able to brag about the forty-two inch scar across her sternum which circles around to her lower back region. Congrats on the quadruple bi-pass! I still say you should tell everyone a shark bit you. Anyways. Had a special long visit with aforementioned Ms. B which was simply delightful. Also got the quick "how-ya" with the Missus Bee and (since they arrived in my car) got the super-mondo best friend and best friend's babe check-in as well. Speaking of whom, the lovely Lu was persuaded to make a repeat appearance in my world on Sundee for a few hours and she just never fails to impress me with her all-round greatness!

The Bad stuff wasn't "bad" in the typical sense of the word...[Disclaimer: the following contains thoughts and impressions as they filter through my head and are concerning my kid. They have not borne any scrutiny from the standard cast of characters whom I employ to help me "keep it real" and so may be a bit unformed. Also, let me her state for the record that i absolutely understand that on every level I have the best kid ever and that I am truly, hugely blessed and that there are people right now in China who are forced to go to sleep at night without knowing the pleasure of a "Don't let the bedcats bite!" Sung out in an absolutely sincere tiny, sleepy voice. I know this... That said...]

My kid was weird this week-end. Actually, we were both weird. She was weird in a very insecure, needing to be re-assured of things I know she knows, jealous of pretty much everyone/thing else in her universe kind of way and I (since I'm uniquely unqualified to deal with issues considered to be sterotypically "female" -- like the whole seeming lack of self-esteem; how can I be beautiful like a princess so the world loves me -- kind of issues) reacted poorly. Now, before I go into further detail I would also like to put forth the statements I do not want to hear in response to my semi-rant:

  • "That's it?! That's nothing! My kid [insert something horrific here]....." (I know that in the grand scheme of things I am blessed. I know that these issues per se are not that serious. i also know though, that if your kid is acting one way through much of her short life and she suddenly begins acting another way -- I don't care if it's as simple as she always paints with blue and now she's coloring in red -- in my opinion it bears paying attention to. If you simply cannot stand listening to my drivel then skip to part three. That part's about sex.)

  • "Don't worry about it. It's normal." (Again, let me state for the record that I'm not saying my kid is out on the streets every night looking for better ways to shoot up. I understand that she is a growing little girl and will go through phase of development that are perfectly normal for her age and learning. Again, though, I have to say there were quite a few stages that I went through in my growing up that while being considered normal really kind of sucked. I do not want my child to feel sucky if I can help it and if she must feel sucky, I still want to understand it so I can be there for her should she need me to be. That said, should all this prove so mind-numbingly dull you find your eyes beginning to roll back into your head, I again point to the above escape clause re: sex in the next section.)

    K. So, for some reason my kid is hyper-aware of who is getting attention and who is not right now. She spent all week-end announcing that "so-and-so said [she's] not the cutest kid in the world" or that the waitress (CP, stranger on the street, toll booth guy) "liked the baby better". Her hair would not lie flat. Her socks would not stay up. She wanted blonde hair. She wanted long hair. The cats wouldn't leave her alone then they wouldn't play with her. Lu was touching her chair. Lu didn't want the crayon she gave her. How come she couldn't be little again? On and on and on. Granted it was interpresed with relatively good cheer and her normal useful, helpful, interested self but my goodness I ran through my entire stock of "It's not a contest" type quotations within the first half hour. THEN she spilled water on the couch and when I remarked upon it said (in her reasonable voice) "Well, it's your fault for putting it too close to the couch. You should have known I'd spill it." Here is when I (sort of) lost it. First, I cannot stand it when people do not take responsibility for their actions. I know she's five and I'm all over the "allowances due to age-approriate expectations" blah, blah, blah but thing is this is the first time she's done that. (Not the spilling part. She does that all the time, but the blame it on someone who isn't in the room thing). Usually, it's "Mom, I spilled, can you come clean it up?" (Which we're also working on... again, not the actual spilling...). Second, when in her life has she ever heard, ever, that I expect her to mess up?? Anyway. Basically we're talking a fairly standard "shifting of blame tied to an unrealistic analysis of herself and the situation" and instead of being all textbook about it, I yelled. I yelled at my kid. I NEVER yell at my kid. (Well, once. when she was two and she didn't want to sleep in her bed and it was three o'clock in the morning and she kept calling out for water. I yelled then too, and I felt HORRIBLE about it...) Sorry all of you who would feel really great if I yelled at her more, not trying to claim any superiority, not saying that not yelling is the single best way to raise a child, all I'm saying is i don't tend to yell when I'm mad at her and in this instance I did. So. I holler: "That is completely untrue! Why would you even say that??" Following which she stares and she starts to cry. So i... leave the room. Again, what the hell? Again, with the I never... Bottom line, I know the kid is feeling insecure and needs a snuggle so, I respond by leaving the room. This will probably not be something that CPS is especiallybe concerned about but I FEEL HORRIBLE about it! {Sigh} That's it really. We, of course made up. Snuggling happened. Kisses all round. Thing is, I know that, of course, these things happen and that it's probably stress but I don't feel like I'm particularly stressed about anything in particular right now. And actually, to be perfectly honest that'swhat's really weirding me out. I mean c'mon, this is minor. If I'm acting slightly strange in response to this imagine how bizarre it's going to get when kid two shows up, won't eat, cries all the time, breaks Boo's things and is insanely adorable to boot... now that's a situation! What happens when Boo really freaks out and needs a milion hugs?? What's my weirded out response going to be then?? to move out??! Well, anyway. Just wanted to get it out into the world so I could look it over and see if i'm missing something (probably), just being really, really hyper-sensitive (definitely) and whether or not this situation warrants further scrutiny (nah...). I'll just try to keep on the ole toes and figure out a way to deal with this newfound insecurity on my Bubbaloo's part. Hopefully this will be like the summer rains: sudden, swift, yet, in the end, fleeting.

    The Ugly: So, Dirty Boy calls me up last night to suggest ways in which I could entertain him. I suggest that he break out the butter and get re-aquainted with his right hand as 1) I have sworn off the Boy scouts, 2) am smack in the midst of a visit from my Aunt Flo and 3) am tired and want to go to bed. He, as is his want, ignores the first and third and focuses on the second.

    Ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone which you think is going one way only to be horribly shown that it is, in fact, going a completely other way? (And that that other way is deeeee-scusting!!) So, conversation starts with me thinking: "My goodness, this new generation of boys sure is comfortable discussing female bodily functions". Seemingly gone are the days of "Eeeewwww!" or "Can we just not talk about it?" Here we have a boy who is not only comfortable discussing the process but seems actively interested in the minutae of the monthly curse. My how refreshing! Only to find that what I took for scientific inquiry was actually some perverse type of arousal! eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! What is that about???! First off, I actually kind of liked the days of secrecy and tribal rituals and "menstrual huts". It kind of seems like the one time a chick's allowed to be really uptight, tired, and not-in-the-freaking mood and it's all o.k. Is it too much to ask for four days in the month where it's o.k. to be a puffy, irritated blob and not have to worry about putting out?? Sheesh! anyway, thank you Dirty Boy for single handedly ruining my oasis of non-expectancy. You suck.
  • Friday, July 18, 2003

    First and foremost...

    A good friend of mine who, in addition to co-parenting some of the coolest kids I've ever met and providing sustained, kick-ass spousal support of the wifely variety to the fabulous Miss Bee, also happens to be one of the best persons ever to set foot on this planent is having a little out-patient surgery today so, just wanted to say my thoughts and good wishes are with you, pet! Hope it's no big deal, that you heal soon and that the hospital staff treats you like the king you are! Oh, and pinch a nurse for me, would ya...?

    So, last night I finally got a chance to read my homestudy. I was supposed to have read it a long time ago but what with one technicality and another I just got to see it yesterday. It's pretty interesting in that there, in "hard copy" is you, your beliefs, your life, your relationships and your aspirations; in fifteen pages or less single spaced; written by someone who has met you five times. All-in-all, it's pretty accurate (although obviously skewed slightly to address specific issues that might matter to the agency types.) There was one funny thread about my mom though. I guess in the interviews I kept saying she was "loud" (which she is but more a boisterous, completely lacking in tact or sublety kind of loud). Apparently, though, what the caseworker was hearing was that she "yells alot." "Cynthia's mother often yelled at her...." Now, I'm not saying mom never yelled but she didn't yell all that much, she was just LOUD about everything. Whatever. If I want, i can go in and have them change the report but since the odds of my mom ever seeing this are slim and since I'm deathly afraid of messing with anything at this stage in the matching process, I think i'm going to let it be. Sorry mom.

    Thursday, July 17, 2003

    Well, hello!

    Another interesting development...not in the my new kid department but in the general world of kids: These two girls that used to live in the apartment below mine pre-current-housing-sitch, ended up having to move shortly after I did and I lost track of them. Anyway, long story short, their mom calls me yesterday to tell me about the younger one's birthday party... "they're in Hayward now.. would i like to come to the party... blah, blah, blah..." It's been close to two years! Anyway, I'm just delighted that she got in touch. The girls are great and I was sad they seemed to have gotten away.

    Also, I was reading over some of my more recent postings and i noticed that I seem to leave things hanging quite a bit. That is I tend to get all outraged or obsessed about something, write some long, rambling post about it, then move merrily along to the next bit of life drama without ever having said what the resolution in the last case happened to be. This, in my opinion, might lead one to think that I have a whole lot of unfinnised bidness in my life but I actually don't. I just find that the act of writing about an issue sometimes helps me clarify where I stand on it or simply enables me to release some feelings about it, once it's resolved, to my way of thinking it's gone. Why write about it? Having said that, though, I would like to take a moment to clean up some loose ends as it were (keeping in mind that this is rare for me to do so don't go expecting it in the future!). Ready? Here we go.

    Eh hem,

  • I did not take the parking space. I found a space in a lot nearby that is cheaper on a daily basis, less busy in terms of filling up every morning and which accepts plastic.
  • I am no longer mad at the Ex-girlfriend. I understand that she is just doing what she needs to do and did not mean any harm to me and mine. I accept that she feels she needs to live a life that does not include me and that as difficult as that is for me to understand that is just the way it is and as such I've accepted it and will now move on. (I wish her luck, though. She's quality people and derserves the best.)
  • Boo is fine as well. Everyone is just fine!
  • I decided against the Snake River trip with Miss Tail in favor of a shorter, more manageable trip with the Boo. (It was great, thanks for asking.)
  • I am not currently getting busy with Dirty Boy, nor do I have any intentions of re-starting that particular aspect of our relationship. (It's just too damn oogey, no offense DB)
  • Dirty Boy is still stupid over Other Girl who is keeping him on a very short leash which I happen to think is hilarious.
  • Aforementioned leash is not the reason DB and I are no longer getting sweaty. For some reason OT doesn't mind if DB swaps spit with someone she likes. DB and I are not partaking because it is gross(!!) no more no less. (OT is wierd.)
  • Angel is still not sure what to do about New Boy who is leaving on the 31st of this month. He is considering moving to Austin to be with him. I am suspending counsel on the subject (BAD IDEA! Do NOT move! You've only known him for a freaking month! What if he's a psychopath?!) in order to give him the mental space to come to his own conclusions.
  • I never found out who Angel of Darkness is but "hooking up" never happened
  • I'm still tired
  • Lyle has not called yet...

    hmmmmm.... I think that's it. Let me know if there's anything else outstanding and I'll endeavor to address it (maybe, I don't know actually, I had turkey for lunch and now I'm a little tired...)

    Oh! And before I forget, two other things...


    to Boss #3 on his 1 year anniversary!! i've not met the significant other in question but I'm sure he's stellar!


    Happy Nuptuals

    to our own Sir J. who is in glorious Vancouver, BC right this second preparing to get his hitch on to the lovely Krista (sp). All the best, my friend! Hope your day is fabulous!! (Their actual wedding date is Sat. but the odds are fairly good that I will not be blogging this week-end so I'll get the props in now...)
  • Here's some news... My Caseworker just talked to Rosemary's caseworker and the field of "potential families" wishing to adopt the little angel has been narrowed down to two, me and some other shmoe. Which is great! However, he's still being all feet-draggy about answering general questions and giving more of an indication as to whether or not I'm going to be allowed to see Miss R.'s file... Then there's this other baby, newborn basically, who needs a placement "ASAP" according to the social workers but her biological mom hasn't decided what she wants to do in terms of re-unification so they're (the caseworker peeps) all talking about "concurrent planning" which essentially means that you take the kid and in the event the mom does all the things she's supposed to in terms of showing the state she can care for the child, you release her (the kid) to the mom. Buh-bye. If the mom doesn't fulfill her obligations then you adopt the child. Nice, but I can't do it. I could maybe do it if I didn't have already have a kid but there's no freaking way I'm going to let Miss Boo get attached to this new person only to have her taken away. So... where does that leave us? Not much further than we were before, I'm afraid, but at least it feels like things are moving along, kind of.

    Yes, but how much "dietary fibre" does this syrup have?"

    Is it funny to anyone else that Ghiradelli Chocolate Syrup has "Nutrition facts!" printed prominently on the side of the bottle?? O.K. sorry, these are just the things one notices when one is not yet willing nor able to fully embrace one's morning.

    Right, so last night got to hang out with the splendid Lu (child of the best friend who was off galavanting with the rich and pretty last night with Chick 2 -- which, now that I'm thinking about it probably isn't the best pseudonym for the lady in question onna counta she's undoubtably so much more than just one of the girls currently keeping my best bud happy so p'raps we will change her name to... "Fancy". Sorry, Ducks, but I don't know you well enough yet to come up with anything more apt so for now, you're "Fancy". Welcome to the show! Where you from...?)

    Lu is a very great and we had a fab time and I am uber fortunate to have such great friends producing fantastic offspring that they then (for some unfathomable reason) allow me to steal away. (!!) I'm getting her on Sundee too! (Whoo hoo!)

    Other than that not alot going on. Caseworker left a mesage yesterday saying he had more info about my Rosemary (but didn't bother to say what it was, of course) and also that there was maybe a newborn hanging around the offices as well. Now, given my druthers I, of course, would prefer my Rosemary (who is two y.o.) but in the grand scheme of things, if, for some reason I don't get her, I'm not really sure how I feel about the uber-tinies. i mean, I think i'd be o.k. with the raising part (I did manage to not kill or otherwise maim Miss Boo during her formative years) but I'm a teensy bit concerned about the fairly huge gap in age tween the two childrens... Upon further reflection though (and after having a quick chat with Fancy) I'm beginning to think it wouldn't be so bad -- less immediate competition and maybe more of a "getting-to-know-you" period where basically, since the baby just lies around all day, there's less having to immediately figure out what's going on with this person, what's already been hardcoded, and what is still open for interpretation and more just snuggley, screamey, messy diaperery cute-ness.... Dunno. I'd love to hear some thoughts if anyone has any...

    well, I spose that's it for now folks. Maybe I'll write more later if my life suddenly gets interesting.

    Wednesday, July 16, 2003

    Christ, I love this chick's writing!

    from Entry dated: Wed. July 9, 2003

    "The ones who get on their cell phones to cry to their girlfriends or proposition ex-boyfriends or call the sitters to say they're on their way home.

    Like that one, in the lime green spaghetti strap mini dress you swear you've seen before. 'You must've wore that last week,' you say out loud with an exhale of cigarette smoke. She's on the phone dialing the one she's going to think about during her cab ride. You always fell for a girl with something you can't quite place on her mind. And you swear you've seen that lime green spaghetti strap mini-dress before. Then your cell phone rings.


    'Guess who!'


    Nothing to see...

    I don't have anything particularly interesting to write about this morning so instead I will make another short list. This one is of some of the things that made me happy yesterday:

  • Having lunch with the ever-fabulous Ms. Q
  • Getting to see Tony all dressed up and cute looking in his snappy "living-an-actual-life-outside-of-work-that-requires-looking-nice" outfit (especially the shoes! The shoes were Sweet!)
  • Demanding that Mistah Lovah Lovah bring me chocolate then having him actually produce said chocolate within one minute of the demand time. (I think he's got a stash... I may have to raid his desk one of these days while he's down south screwing with the cows)
  • Hearing from the ever cool Starbutt who's currently trying to exist way up in Seattle-land
  • Hearing from Pretty Boy who got some JOB and now is too busy for his closest (well, maybe not closest), oldest (o.k., so, technically not oldest per se...), most drop-dead gorgeous-est (Ha!) friend in the world!
  • Getting the check-in from the ultra-splendid Miss B who I worry about sometimes, trapped in that house with just the babies and the voices ...(not really. Miss B is beyond capable -- I just have this ever-present urge to take her out, out, out! Since I cannot, I will instead buy her cute shirts that are perfect for a hot mom out and about on a hot afternoon...)

    and, fresh from this morning's living

  • Finding out that the soooo cool, ex-co-worker SAH just got moved to a place where he can now instant message me throughout the day (Whoo Hoo!)

    What a Wonderful Life!
  • Tuesday, July 15, 2003

    A moment please...

    To reflect on the issues that really matter....

    "Why use a mechanical method when you can use a poultice?"

    Why, indeed...


    Well, I finally saw it and yes, it was a babe-fest. I have to say I was a little misled by all the various things I've read/heard about it. I think i spent the whole first half of the movie expecting it to be different (hilarious, witty, almost entirely without an appearance by Mr. Depp -- someone actually told me he was only in about 30% of the film!) but then when I let go of what i thought it was going to be like i actually found myself really enjoying it just cause it's really cute.

    I was discussing it briefly with my work-buddy Tony yesterday and I think his was the apt-est of all the summations I've heard: "It is what it is." I would add that I thought it was a particularly charming version of the genre but essentially I find it doesn't stand up well to analysis. That said, initial fight scenes were a bit too long for my taste but boy-howdy, any and all "failings"were more than made up for by earnest babe-ness, cool costumes and girls that didn't just stand around. kudos Disney! Good job!

    Then, on the way to work today, some lady stopped me as she was getting out of her car and asked if she could give me a CD. I thought it was some kind of marketing thing but she handed me a CD titled "Conciousness is the Key to self-worth -- Angela Davis on 9/11 speaking in Colorado". It's obviously homemade and written on it are also the words "Reach one, Teach one" and "Listen, copy, pass it on..."

    Now, I haven't listened to it yet, but I just gotta say how freaking cool is that as a general concept! Just a little grassroots teaching going out to the Oak-Town peeps! Listen up, yo...! I'll listen to it today and if it's not bogus or a huge scam, I'm planning on making a couple of copies to hand out as I go about my own travels. Let me know if anyone is interested and I'll float you a copy as well....

    And lastly but not leastly, big cyber-hug to my friends out there who not only put up with my crankiness yesterday but who actively tried to make me feel better. I'm really fortunate to have such thoughtful, articulate, (well-read, sweet, able to wear the hell out of certain outfits!) people in my life. Smoochie kisses to all of you! (and especially to Miss Tail who was instrumental in helping me access my inner teen last night by being just as giggley and silly over certain movie persons as I was... Does the camera love Mr. Bloom or what??! And how about the "held hostage by Johnny Depp" bit?? Sweet Mother of Jesus...!) Anyway, Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

    Monday, July 14, 2003

    This just in: my pal and "top-flat-in-the-duplex-directly-in-front-of-my-house" occupier, Miss Tail is deserting us to move back to San Francisco meaning that her fabulous, LARGE one-bedroom in the heart of the rollicking Northgate district in sunny Oakland (I just found out that's what the area where we live is called. The city put a sign up yesterday about a block away from the house) is shortly to be rendered available. If anyone knows anyone who is cool and nice and not a sociopath who is looking for a home to call their own, please let me know so I can inform my fabulous Landpeeps. TIA!
    By the way, I entered a raffle to win a Silver 2003 VRSCA 100th Anniversary V-Rod Harley-Davidson motorcyle and the actual drawing is any day now so, look for a self-congratulatory post here soon...

    take that!

    Ha! I just did the ultimate bad mood thing at the ole in-house coffee bar. Noticing that the coffee pot contained at least one cup but (but jsut barely) of already made coffee, I went ahead and poured myself a tall one without setting up a new pot. I just left the remaining not-quite-a-full-cup sitting there on the burner. Didn't even turn the thing off. (I did wuss out at the very end and did a quick swab of the counter where I had spilled some chocolate syrup but hey, whaddaya want?! Have we never heard of Baby steps!!


    I’m in a bad mood today. I’m in a bad mood because my ex-girlfriend pissed me off yesterday. I’m in a bad mood because part of the fall-out from the incident that pissed me off was that my kid was pretty seriously disappointed and was sad all day. I’m in a bad mood because despite 8+ hours of damage control including a movie, ice cream, and riding bikes the last thing my kid said to me before she went to bed was “today was a bad day… But, I love you.” I’m in a bad mood because I was awake all night thinking about how stupid it was on my part to think that a pleasant exchange meant that everything was going to be o.k. and that we were all going to be able to move the hell on and acknowledge the good things we could still contribute to each others lives.… Whatever. I’m over it. I’m through trying to prove what a basically decent person I am to people who are invested in believing that I suck. I am particularly annoyed that I let my kid be dragged into it but again, all I can do is make sure it doesn’t happen again. Forget the tiptoeing around feelings, forget the hyper-awareness of where I can and can’t go. I’m sick of spending a whole bunch of energy trying to be a decent person only to be accused of being (continuing to be) devious, inconsiderate and above and beyond all else, someone who makes people feel like shit. If I am that person then good riddance, you should be glad I’m gone. If I’m not, then whatever, nothing I can do is going to change that perception and I’m sick of trying. I repeat. I am done.

    Friday, July 11, 2003

    Who says there are no decent guys left??

    Courtesy of the Stranger Personals (Sidenote, how pathetic am I that I first clicked on the "classified" tab because I didn't know what "Personals" stood for. I thought it was kink-specific...)


    Seeks female companionship for possible LTR. I will treat you good--dating a guy with a Corvette in summertime doesn't suck. 8997"

    I know it's entirely unnecessary to call attention to the cre8tve spelling but... what sort of woman is this guy after exactly? I mean, I can't imagine he's fishing for someone who is primarily interested in his wallet (in that case he wouldn't have mentioned the 'Vette.) dunno, maybe I'm reading WAY too much into this but the fact that he says he's good-looking and that he'll treat his potential new flame "good" makes me think he really is interested in something a bit beyond your standard business transaction.... Let's hear it folks, is this guy just including those qualities that he thinks women are interested in or is he simply looking to exchange cold hard cash for warm, soft ... [the obvious rhyme is too crude even for someone of my dilettante sensibilities to transcribe, so I'll stop this particular musing now...moving along....]

    O.K. now here's an etiquete point [This morning's blog is simply filled with questions that I'll need some answers to from you, my public, so put your writing caps on...] Yesterday, whilst on the train to go get the world's-most-perfect-child, I ran into Angel and his New Boy (who was wearing his cowboy boots!!) After a bit of the back and forth I launched into a particularly amusant story re: something (I forget exactly what but trust me it was hilarious) only to notice, upon finishing, that the boys did not seem to find it quite as delightful as I. I mean, they were polite and everything but the response was decidedly restrained. I immediately demanded to know what possibly could have happened during thier formative years that could have produced trauma so severe that would render them incapable of appreciating a quality story, only to learn that they'd heard it before. Rather, they'd read it before, on my blog. It was funny then. Upon re-telling, however it grew a bit stale.

    Now here's my question, I contend that the bastards should have told me immediately that I was re-hashing or at the very least, if they were determined to let me drag myself to the punchline, they should have done a better job of pretending they were at a first hearing. It's weird and uncomfortable to be upstaged by yourself and (not to issue idle threats or anything) in a way it sort of makes me think i should either not write the good stuff (making for a boring blog) or not relate it to random passer-by (making for a boring me). Which is not to say I can't be fully entertaining on both counts! I gots stories! You tell me you've heard one, I'll pull another out of the hat but I contend (again, still) that it is up to the listener to let me know they've already experienced the money-shot for that particular story and that we should please move on. Am I wrong here? what do we think?

    Lastly, I've been on a waiting list for a monthly parking space near where I'm currently working for about a month now, and I just got a call saying there was one available. Now, what with summer (no school for the Boo) and the new schedule, I find that I'm not driving all that much these days. Once school begins, in late August, I will undoubtably be driving more (maybe 3 or 4 days a week) but, even so, the fixed, monthly price is comparable to 4-5 days a week parking.

    Benefits as I see them:

  • Guaranteed parking no matter how late i'm running (this may be key once the new kid arrives and I have to work out her schedule as well)
  • Not having to make sure I have eight freaking dollars every single time I feel like parking near work


  • Currently, I don't really need the space since I'm driving so little but I can't be sure another space is going to open up when I do need it
  • In the grand scheme of things I'll probably be spending a bit more on parking than I would have otherwise
  • Having a guaranteed space might make me more inclined to drive when I don't need to thus increasing traffic congestion, adding to the greenhouse effect and making me more stressed and thus slightly less pleasant to be around
  • Having a guaranteed parking space might make me a bit more inclined to sleep in which might lead to unpleasantness in the Nirvana I call work...

    So, what do we think? Do I grab this space now or do I let it go and take my chances with fate as they say...
  • Thursday, July 10, 2003

    An interesting take on the current state of "feminism"

    "OK, the girly-girl women kick everybody's butts and always get what they want in the end. But what kind of cockamamie message are they sending? That strong, confident women who are not intimidated by anyone or anything can choose to look however they like -- even feminine and sexy -- while going about their business? There is something seriously wrong with putting such thoughts in the minds of impressionable young girls, and believe me, as soon as I figure out what it is, I am going to fire off a letter to the movie production companies. "

    Isn't this what Femme dykes have been saying for years...?

    Exs in da house...!

    Well, not really, but i have been thinking alot about them as a group lately. Every coupla months I send an e-mail off to the boy who taught me what truly inspired sex is supposed to feel like and he replied (surprise!) as well as sent some info on how to contact my Alaska Man so I have Exes on the brain.... By the way I didn't mean to imply that just because I was thoroughly schooled by... let's call him G, that i'm dissing those who came before [{snicker} yeah, that pun was intended]. I was always pretty into the getting nekkid and getting my mack on but, let's just say pre-G, it was mostly the chase combined with the companionship combined with the fuzzy, nuturing-type wuvums that equalled what I considered to be "decent sex". G taught me how to f*ck! and for that I will forever bow down to him. Now, I fully understand that there are other bits to a healthy relationship and props must go to my Alaska Man for showing me that I was desirable and smart and funny and worth keeping around just the way I was with no strings or conditions attached and for showing me that it's possible to break up with somebody that you love but who just isn't right for your life and have that be o.k. -- an equally laudable accomplishment even if it's not as sweat-filled. And, while I'm at it, a shout-out to Pretty Boy for pulling me out of the abyss that was my life after me and G parted ways, thanks for the support, the sweetness and the amazing boot-knocking. Also, thank you for letting me live your life for awhile while i figured out what the hell to do with mine. To CP -- what can I say -- i thought that you were going to be the "forever" one and in some respects you are just not in the way I originally imagined. You gave me my first glimpse at the heights (and depths) a truly committed relationship can get to and you helped me produce and are securely commited to raising the world's most perfect kid. For that, regardless of whatever it is that you are currently doing to annoy me, I will always appreciate you and I will continue to support you in whatever ways I can (Usually. If I have time. there's some fine print in the contract but we can go over that with the lawyers at a later date.) And lastly and mostly, my sweet T. You are one of the most intelligent, empathetic, beautiful women I've ever met. I'm amazed I got the opportunity to become a part of your life and I'm grateful for the 3+ years of unwavering support and love you showed to me and everyone in my world. Thank you. Also, I have to say for the record, that there were other folks as well who taught me a hell of a lot about loving and supporting and accepting -- Q!! -- that for some reason or another I never paired off with but for whom i will still eternally give thanks that they are willing to be a recurring character in the show that is my life. {sniff} I love you guys!!

    Right, now that's that's out of the way...

    Back to me! Quick fill in on the day yesterday... I had to scoot out of here mid-morning to take the Boo to a Doctor's appointment (she is fine. she's had a recurring tummy ache that we said we'd get looked at so we did. -- Very nice doc didn't find anything to be concerned about so all is good.) By the way, for any of you out there with kids, Childrens' Hospital in Oakland is the best hospital ever! Every single dealing I've had with them from the appointment desk to the advice nurse to the care clinitians has not just been good, it's been stellar!! They rock! they don't do HMO though so switch to whatever PPO your company currently offers and get over there!

    So, when I got back to the office Boss #2 was all freaked out and weird about everything -- she'd been looking for me for 2 and a half hours and nobody knew where I was! My timesheet was completey screwed up! The accountant back at home office was breathing down her neck and ready to kill me if we didn't get this huge freaking problem straightened out!! Whatever. Timesheet was fine, somebody in another office read it wrong (actually Boss #2, incompetent wench, could have easily figured this out since it took me -- with her standing behind me -- about three seconds to check into it) Penny (the accountant) was not "ready to kill me", to the contrary we exchanged a few e-mails later in the day about Kid #2 and Salsa dance classes furthermore I told Boss #3 where I was going before I left... why do people like her even exist?? Whatever. (Gawd, she just bugs me on such a major level! O.K. stop. breathe...)

    Heard from Caseworker about my darling Rosemary. He faxed my homestudy over to SF DCP (Rosemary's caseworker is named David Lee so if anybody knows him call him up and tell him what a great person I am and how totally able I am to provide this kid with the best life ever! Don't tell him about the trysts with twenty-somethings and the late nights with Lyle, though. That'll be our little secret...)

    Anyways, I think that's essentially that. Was pissy due to B-2 annoyance factor but all-in-all had a fairly productive day. Get to see my kid tonight, so that pretty much ensures a fabulous mood all day today... we'll see though, B-2 just popped her head up and glanced over here so i'm sure she's just figured out a new way to goad me into killing her....

    Wednesday, July 09, 2003

    didn't get to go home earlier by the way. Going home now though.

    Still tired after all these years

    Why am I so exhausted all them time?? I mean, it may not be immediately apparent to all of you out in browser-land but there is not a single moment when the thought of my beautiful bed is more than three steps outside the perimeter of my usual musings. I was going to try to go play some pool tonight but right now I'm so sleepy I can hardly stand. P'raps I will postpone the knocking of the balls around in favor of turning in early for some quality sleep-age...

    Saw Beautiful Boy today. He cut his hair! (Wait, what's that sound?? Ah yes, it is the sound of angels beating their breasts in lamentation as the heavens become a shade less bright...) Looks o.k. I guess... (If you like short black pointy hair. Not that there's anything wrong with SBPH, all i'm sayin' is if you decide to trade perfect in for trendy or cool, well, there are those of us asthetes who are going to feel a bit betrayed. That's all.) Rock on with your short hair, BB! I'd still talk to you at a party...! Also slightly disconcerting is the fact that Beautiful Boy was toolin around in a tricked out Toyota that had "Persian Pride" written on the front window. Disconcerting because, for some reason, I thought he was a bit more "bike-friendly" and because I thought him and Other Girl were Mexican... P'raps there are two beautiful boys in the world??? Could the fates be so kind?? ah well, I'm sure everything will be made crystal clear in due time...

    Have I mentioned I'm tired? Sleeeepppp... sleeeeepppppp... k. I'm going to either find more coffee or a plausible excuse to go home. I'll keep ya posted....

    Tuesday, July 08, 2003

    you know, now that I've had some time to think about, I have to admit, I am a little surprised Lyle didn't use our conversation last night as an opportunity to get my digits...! Must have been intimidated by my mastery of the English language... Or maybe his people clued him in to the fact that I'm mostly into chicks right now.... Still, though, we could always be friends....

    I'm in awe...

    Mistah Lovah-Lovah just got back from a trip to Vancouver BC where he had this to share re: the fact that he and his buddies were enticed to leave the house by the promise of someone having some "hot friends" who would be at the club they were supposed to go to. Go here to read the full account but for those of you who are click-shy, let me offer this tidbit...

    "Hot Friends" This phenomenon rarely exists. Any girl will say their friends are 'hot' but usually in most cases, they are not. But stupid males will hope that the 3.21% chance there ARE hot friends will come true. Odds are never males....we will still keep falling for it...because we are stupid AND we dont want to be the group of guys that say 'No.' and find out the next day that the friends were indeed 'Hot' and they missed out ...this will bring ridicule, name calling and general beratement of not only all your male friends, but those just passing by on the street who happen to hear of your stupidity. -- Mistah Lovah Lovah

    Boys. So simple yet at the same time, so... simple.

    tired. must. sleep. now.....

    Oh my gawd!

    I met Lyle Lovett.

    I. met. LYLE LOVETT!!!


    K. So, I went to Santa Rosa to go see Mr. Lovett in concert right? So, I get there about an hour early onna counta I have no idea how long it takes to get to the Luther Burbank Art Center from San Fran and there’s no way in hell I’m going to be late. So, I’m early. I’m waiting calmly with the rest of the shmoes (for those of you unfamiliar with the Santa Rosa demographic, let’s just say there were six "alternatively colored" people there last night. Four were singing with the band and one was playing Saxophone. Needless to say, I’m somewhat conspicuous.

    Cue Nancy: (Sixty-ish security guard, white hair, sparkley blue eyes, guarding the door to the backstage area) “You waiting for someone, hon’?” Me: “nah, I just don’t want to sit with those people yet.” I gesture toward the group I am sandwiched between – lots of “fun” jewelry and authentic Hawaiian shirts. She grins. I grin. We bond. (What up, Nancy! Way to support a sistah, holla back!)

    Thus begins a rambling 30 minute conversation about theatre, security guarding, living in Santa Rosa for 60 years (Christ!), inter-ethnic romance, teaching, adoption, stage fright, you name it, we discussed it. Good gal that Nancy. So anyway, show starts, I go sit. Show rocks! Lyle is cute. For some reason I got this great ticket where I’m in the fourth row, practically on top of the guy…. Since I know everyone cares, Mr. Lovett has a GREAT ass! Anyway, show ends, multiple encores. People file out. Nancy (remember Nancy?) waves me over. Do I want to meet the band? She inquires… I stare. She waits. I nod. She smiles and leads me backstage to a kind of outdoor area where THE BAND is milling around. We walk over to where a small group of people including LYLE LOVETT are sitting.

    The following conversation ensues:

    Mitch: (guitar player in the band – to Lyle) Lyle?
    {Lyle Lovett looks up. Lyle Lovett smiles. (!!)}
    Nancy: This is Chick
    Lyle Lovett: Hello. {extends hand}
    Chick: Hi. {Shakes hand. I shook Lyle Lovett’s hand!!} Great show.
    Lyle Lovett: Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. (Lyle Lovett is glad I enjoyed his show!!) {nods, smiles} Excuse me… {turns attention to someone else}

    Wow. All I can say is wow. Such soft hands. You wouldn’t expect a guitar player to have such soft hands. {sigh} I love Lyle Lovett. Thank you, god. Thank you, Nancy. For those of you that care, I then turned to Mr. Mitch the guitar player and seeing that he was messing around with some bizarre guitar-ey thing and asked how many instruments he played. Hour long conversation ensued of which I remember NOTHING. To make a long story short, Band was getting tired. Nancy needed to lock up and I was sent on my merry way. Got home around 2am. I am so exhausted right now I may just pass out. Yay! Did I mention that I love Lyle Lovett?

    Monday, July 07, 2003

    and the winner is...

    Cleavage! Yes, folks, the full stomach and cheery outlook have combined to tell me that today is as good as any to celebrate the glory that are Hooters! Bringing the thunder to a cube near you!

    my goodness

    I sure am busty today! I got this fancy new top that I thought would be a decent compromise between acceptable work attire and "Mr. Lovett was wondering if you'd care to join him backstage..." garb and while it is, in fact quite fetching it seems also rather inclined to drift. This combined with my new super-mondo-hold-em-up bra -- et viola, "Houston, we have cleavage!" Hmmmm. Not sure if I should attempt to re-arrange the over sweater thingie so I'm a bit more cover-rard or if I should just "sport em like Beckham" as they are wont to say.... Actually, I've just noticed that I am starving. Food first! Major decisions like this one should never be made on an empty stomach!

    And now it's Monday...

    Well, here we are again. At work. {yawn} I had a wierd dream last night. I'm not going to go into it in detail onna counta it was a fairly obvious ploy on the part of my subconscious to get me to start paying attention to some key life lessons and since I've made it my job to avoid that kind of stuff I'll not dwell on the bulk of it.

    One interesting bit though, featured the arrival of my future boyfriend, Mark (a sweetheart. cute in a scruffily quiet kind of way. looked kind of like my kid's teacher Chrissy-bear, who, get this, has been known to skate with Dirty Boy! Small world, eh?? Christ, I'm old...). The aforementioned bit also contained footage of my slightly more future girlfriend, Milo (sorry, Mark). O.K. now even if this was all I chose to pay attention to, what the hell?? I find it so bizarrely interesting that while my own subconcious will admit attraction to and subsequent hooking up with a boy, even it won't pretend I could sustain a lasting relationship with one. Although, in the dream, I got together with Mark first and was only introduced to Milo right before the alarm woke me up so, technically, she wasn't my girlfriend yet but I think we could all see where things were heading!

    Again though, I could be reading this totally wrong and I may instead be destined for a non-monogamous-three-way with both (Whoo Hoo!!) or just doomed to be with the one yet pining after the other for years on end (dammit!)... either way though, it's all too scary for me to think more about right this second. I will chalk it up random fantasies dreamed up by a generically horney imagination and let it go.

    In other news, I'm still going to Lyle Lovett tonight! Whoo Hoo! Now there's a man I could commit too!!

    I suck!

    Let me begin by saying that I suck. Across the board and categorically, I suck! After all my whining about how nobody wants to play with me I completely forgot my very best friend in the whole world’s birthday (July 2 -- Happy Ups, Home-girl!) and for that I should be shot! (or at least smacked around a bit... ){Sigh} Sorry, my best-est of all buddies. I will endeavor to a) make it up to you and b) not be so completely lame in the future. Forgive?? Kisses?? Mwah! Mwah!

    K. Now then. Can I just say, integral lameness notwithstanding, I am in the middle of the best holiday weekend ever!

    [For those of you who p’raps might be led to think that I strolled in here early to write up my adventures, I am in fact, penning this missive on Sundee eve still awash in the afterglow of the best camping trip ever and waiting on a pot of noodles to finish with their cooking. I WAS going to post from home but as I am lame (who the hell gave me a computer and why do they think I should be allowed to operate this type of heavy machinery??) and cannot figure out how to make my dial-up work on this stupid Windows 98 system, I am instead typing and saving and posting in the morning when I get to my alternately protocoled cube.]

    So. Camping. Amazing! Splendid! Much fun was had by all. Campground was fantastic, sun was out, gentle breeze was gently breezing. Boo and I found the world’s perfect-est places to 1) eat breakfast, 2) access the river, and 3) play a rollicking game of meadow tic tac toe using rocks and small yellow flowers. Kid lost another tooth for which the tooth fairy traded her two friendship bracelets. When I explained that there were two so she could keep one and give the other to a friend my perfect kid squinched up her nose and said, “Can a mom be a friend?” and handed one to me!! {Dying!} How much did I totally need to have a million years of time to hang out in the sun with the world’s perfect-est kid? Very much, thank you. I am happy and content and brown like a berry. I am also, freshly home and showered and newly slim from all the walking and splashing and floating. Can I just say, I’m like eight types of f*ckable right now. You know the laid back, surfer chick “let’s just do this” type? The sunburned, sauntery, “how great does every part of my slightly sore but still very tingly and looking for alternative kinds of exercise body feel” type? I want to marry me I am so relaxed. This is why the “booty call” was invented. Like Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not: “Here’s that bottle again.” Since I cannot find anybody, I will instead pray to the god of improvisation (you ever notice how the older you get the more willing you are to invest in a detachable shower head?) and find my blessed repose in that manner. Oh, and it’s not even over. The fat lady has not even begun her warm-up on the perfectness that is my life because tomorrow, Monday, I am going to see Mr. Lyle Lovett in concert with his large band at the Luther Burbank Memorial Center. Why is it that I am so blessed? Hard to say. My working theory is that I was a freaking saint in the last life. Whatever though, I’m just about the happiest camper to pitch a pup tent on this earth. At the count of three you may commence wishing you were me. One… Two…

    Thursday, July 03, 2003

    1. go to
    2. enter "weapons of mass destruction"
    3. hit "i feel lucky" button
    4. read the error page that comes up.

    Nice! Thanks CP for the heads up...

    the irony

    Went shopping last night for a few key, last minute supplies re: the camp-fest that will hopefully be happening this weekend. Spent an appropriate sum of money on the coolest and most fabulous of all quality campground set-up stuff. We are sooo going to be camping large! Upon arriving home and after taking the scruffily fantastic Izzy out for a quick run; received a call from my dearest Angel (why do I feel like a freaking den mother all of a sudden??) informing me that his love, his raison d’etre, his new passion/lifelong desire is (ready for this?) visiting from Texas. I’m so sorry, Honey! I forgot to mention the escape clause that surrounds those who hook up at a SF Pride event and now my Angel whom I’ve sworn to protect is all sad because his newfound light is going home in a coupla days. (As a side note: New Boy has a pair of cowboy boots that he apparently wears on a daily basis. (!!) How great is that?? Anyway, sorry… re-focusing…) I suck. Well, maybe you guys can write or something… (she says completely dismissing an earlier conversation she was having with our man Tony in which she staunchly defended her assertion that “long-distance things never work!”… {sigh} oh well, what’s a den mother to do?)

    Thinking about camping. I love camping. My truck is currently a camping machine! I have the tiny charcoal grill, the mid-sized tent, the inflatable mattresses with the electric pump (because I am officially too damn old to blow anything up!) the folding chairs, the sunscreen, the ice packs (which, dammit! I just remembered I left on the counter back home. f***. Ah well, at this point not even sure if camping is going to happen so will not let it get to me. Who needs cold food anyway?? Iced drinks are for wimps!) I am sooo excited. Did I mention I love camping?

    Let’s see… anything else exciting going on right this second?? Don’t think so. P’raps I’ll post later when I need a break from the always special stylesheet abstract I’m working on. I’ll do it secretly, of course, because heaven forbid Boss #2 catches me working on something that has nothing to do with her and her narrow little world… k. I’m not even going to go there as I need to maintain my current jovial outlook. {Breathe in breathe out -- smell the rose... blow out the candle…} There. Much better.

    Wednesday, July 02, 2003

    So, Mr. Lovah Lovah was discussing random, disgusting things with a buddy of his (at work, as is his wont) and the conversation drifted around to the following lofty subject:

    “Which would you rather have posted to the internet - pictures of you passed out drunk with [Specific degenerate friend of Mr. L-L]defecating” on your face or you passed out drunk with [Specific degenerate friend]reaching orgasm” on your face.

    Apparently the little circle of respondents was divided as to which was more categorically discusting. Two of the boys and all of the girls chose the salt bath. Mr. L-L elected the feces. One respondent also mentioned that the girls probably chose the "emmissions" because they were “accustomed to it.” This is where I came in.

    Chick (4:18:56 PM): cuz they're used to it???! what the hell kind of misogynistic...?!
    Chick (4:19:31 PM): see, that’s exactly why girls won’t go down on you people. You have to convince them that it’s a good thing
    Mr. L-L (4:19:42 PM): hahahahaha
    Chick (4:19:57 PM): you should enthusiastically choose the cum because it's soooo great and tasty and healthy and it makes your skin glow
    Chick (4:20:04 PM): then they'll be more interested in the act
    Chick (4:20:16 PM): dummy
    Mr. L-L (4:20:45 PM): that is true
    Mr. L-L (4:20:46 PM): lol
    Chick (4:21:45 PM): i'm telling you, you need to talk to me before you go having these types of conversations with your friends
    Mr. L-L (4:21:51 PM): hahahaa
    Chick (4:22:19 PM): and why exactly did it have to be [Specific degenerate friend of Mr. L-L] performing the act?
    Mr. L-L (4:22:55 PM): cuz [Specific degenerate friend of Mr. L-L] is the one that will take pics of himself mounting us guys when we pass out drunk...
    Mr. L-L (4:23:01 PM): it's funny to him
    Chick (4:23:12 PM): I see...
    Chick (4:23:49 PM): and you still pass out drunk in front of him? Should I be doing an internet search on you?
    Mr. L-L (4:24:20 PM):
    Chick (4:24:37 PM): can i post our side of this conversation?
    Mr. L-L (4:24:53 PM): NO
    Mr. L-L (4:24:53 PM): ok..maybe
    Chick (4:25:19 PM): what if I write some sort of sensitive commentary to offset your philistine viewpoint?
    Mr. L-L (4:25:37 PM): let me review it first
    Chick (4:26:07 PM): I'll censure it a little for my PG-13 audience
    Mr. L-L (4:26:11 PM): ok.
    Chick (4:26:18 PM): sweet!

    Does anyone wonder why I can't live without this guy??
    Actually, before I do go back to work, a big shout-out to the fabulous Tony who right this second is on a plane heading for the glorious all-at-onceness of the Big Apple! Hope you're having fun you lucky bastard! Bring me back some cool swag!
    Can I just say, for the record, that three days is entirely too long to be without your kid? (Alrighty, just wanted to get that out there. Back to work now...)

    It's out!

    My Boo-ster is a big, huge, splendid, grown-up girl and she has just LOST HER FIRST TOOTH!! Whoo Hoo! Good going, kid, you're the best-est!!

    In other news: I am soooo gay! Forget all that crap I was throwing around in previous posts; I went home last night, had some noodles, watched my favorite TV show, fell asleep and promptly had a series of dreams that would make a fratboy blush! I mean, my god, it was like my subconcious had been saving all it's pennies for the day when it could embark on an all out media blitz championing chick love! wow. I'm still tingley. Anyway, I was all leerey and oggley at all the girls on muni this morning... I feel like a twelve year old boy. "Hey cutie, what's your name..." Heh heh heh... (whew, though, glad that's cleared up. It's no fun living in limbo land...)

    Right, moving on. back to the fabulous kid. Me and her are trying to go camping this week-end. I'm gonna head over to this sweet little site tomorrow and see if we can get a spot (fingers-crossed) then we'll probably hang out at the river for a few days then roll on back to the homestead Sundee morning ish.

    Ahhh.... adventure. Relaxation. Peace and quiet. Trees. I'm going to be such a pleasant person to be around after this trip...

    Tuesday, July 01, 2003

    Bonnie Tyler is god!

    "I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
    we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

    once upon a time I was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart
    Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

    once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark
    Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart."


    It's begun

    Wandered in late today cause I had to go by my kid's camp and drop off some "gym clothes". That's right, folks, my kid calls me last night and announces "So, tomorrow I'm going to the gym so I need some clothes." The gym. The kid is a walking muscle. Anyway, it just threw me is all. I'm positive this is the first in a long line of causual pronouncements that will render me speechless. "Mom, I'm thinking of going out for cheerleading."; "Mom, I'm thinking of going on a diet."; "Mom, I'm moving to Somalia to track indigenous waterfowl. I won't really be reachable by phone, mail or fax but it's only for two years..."; "Mom, this is Brad...we're getting married!!" {sigh} At any rate, I'm in a happy mood because I got to see my kid an extra time and she's great!

    In other news, Our Angel-Baby got some Sunday night although he's totally denying it right now. Apparently he met a boy and they "spent the night walking around the city and talking." Uh...yeah...

    Had a great conversation with Miss Tail last night about this whole isolation thing that me and Mistah L- L began discussing earlier in the day. Basically, my deal is that I'm feeling alot like the older I get the less I feel a part of a group. Any group. I mean, I have my friends and stuff and i love them but whereas we used to sort of get along because we had tons in common now I think it's more like we stick to each other because we just feel like it.

    There's a shared history there and a certain amount of trust and commaraderie; it's a great support system and I'm lucky to have it. But that finishing each others sentences thing, that ability to just go out and hang out and know the other person is having the same kind of time you are, that's diminishing as we all get further into our separate lives. And maybe it's supposed to. I mean the whole point of growing up is that you (hopefully) learn more about yourself and we're all basically unique so maybe the thing you realize is that there isn't a group of people out there who are exactly like you and you just need to learn to be o.k. with it.

    I'm really beginning to think that relationships (friendships and otherwise) are mostly about just deciding to stick around -- I mean hopefully you get something in return but sometimes you don't -- it's that whole better or worse thing. Whatever it is about these people that made them valuable might morph into something else or disappear altogether but if you're committed to the friendship, does it matter if the person changes? Maybe it's just about staying present. People don't change all that much and the odds are pretty good they'll never completely loose whatever it was that was so compelling... I dunno. I'm babbling now.

    One last thing though, I was talking to a buddy on the phone the other day and we were trying to make plans to get together and I was flipping through my datebook reading off dates which she kept shooting down (for admittedly valid reasons. She's a busy gal) until finally I got a little annoyed and said "You know what, just call me when you have time." To which she replied "You know, if you ever really needed me, I'd be there." I throw this out there because while she meant it to be comforting and while I definitely know and appreciate her support, the whole point of me trying to be self-sufficient and drama-free is so I won't really need her. Does that mean we never get to hang out?