Deeee-scusting!

You wanna know what'll turn you off chocolate syrup forever? Being on the coffee clean-up crew for the week and having it be your first day cleaning and thinking it is about time to change the syrup bottle (since it currently takes thirty-two short pumps to get even a drop of chocolate and that's just not going to cut it, this is the government people!!) and pulling out the pump-thingie and, in a burst of enthusiam for the sheer mass of chocolate that is running down it, swiping a finger along it's glistening brown shaft (stay with me folks, we'll talk about *that* later) and right before popping said finger into mouth, glancing down and seeing that the entire shaft of the chocolate pump is covered with mold (!!!!!!!!) ! That's right folks, whitey-green dots of chocolate syrup mold. Not that i'm implying anything and not that anything like this has ever happened to me but I gotta tell ya, were it to happen, I think I'd be pretty grossed out....

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Week-end was weird. The Good stuff first: Ms. B has emerged from her surgery altogether fine, practically spry in fact (not too mention extremely sexy-looking in a pajama-pants wearing way... woof!) and is now able to brag about the forty-two inch scar across her sternum which circles around to her lower back region. Congrats on the quadruple bi-pass! I still say you should tell everyone a shark bit you. Anyways. Had a special long visit with aforementioned Ms. B which was simply delightful. Also got the quick "how-ya" with the Missus Bee and (since they arrived in my car) got the super-mondo best friend and best friend's babe check-in as well. Speaking of whom, the lovely Lu was persuaded to make a repeat appearance in my world on Sundee for a few hours and she just never fails to impress me with her all-round greatness!

The Bad stuff wasn't "bad" in the typical sense of the word...[Disclaimer: the following contains thoughts and impressions as they filter through my head and are concerning my kid. They have not borne any scrutiny from the standard cast of characters whom I employ to help me "keep it real" and so may be a bit unformed. Also, let me her state for the record that i absolutely understand that on every level I have the best kid ever and that I am truly, hugely blessed and that there are people right now in China who are forced to go to sleep at night without knowing the pleasure of a "Don't let the bedcats bite!" Sung out in an absolutely sincere tiny, sleepy voice. I know this... That said...]

My kid was weird this week-end. Actually, we were both weird. She was weird in a very insecure, needing to be re-assured of things I know she knows, jealous of pretty much everyone/thing else in her universe kind of way and I (since I'm uniquely unqualified to deal with issues considered to be sterotypically "female" -- like the whole seeming lack of self-esteem; how can I be beautiful like a princess so the world loves me -- kind of issues) reacted poorly. Now, before I go into further detail I would also like to put forth the statements I do not want to hear in response to my semi-rant:

"That's it?! That's nothing! My kid [insert something horrific here]....." (I know that in the grand scheme of things I am blessed. I know that these issues per se are not that serious. i also know though, that if your kid is acting one way through much of her short life and she suddenly begins acting another way -- I don't care if it's as simple as she always paints with blue and now she's coloring in red -- in my opinion it bears paying attention to. If you simply cannot stand listening to my drivel then skip to part three. That part's about sex.)

"Don't worry about it. It's normal." (Again, let me state for the record that I'm not saying my kid is out on the streets every night looking for better ways to shoot up. I understand that she is a growing little girl and will go through phase of development that are perfectly normal for her age and learning. Again, though, I have to say there were quite a few stages that I went through in my growing up that while being considered normal really kind of sucked. I do not want my child to feel sucky if I can help it and if she must feel sucky, I still want to understand it so I can be there for her should she need me to be. That said, should all this prove so mind-numbingly dull you find your eyes beginning to roll back into your head, I again point to the above escape clause re: sex in the next section.)

K. So, for some reason my kid is hyper-aware of who is getting attention and who is not right now. She spent all week-end announcing that "so-and-so said [she's] not the cutest kid in the world" or that the waitress (CP, stranger on the street, toll booth guy) "liked the baby better". Her hair would not lie flat. Her socks would not stay up. She wanted blonde hair. She wanted long hair. The cats wouldn't leave her alone then they wouldn't play with her. Lu was touching her chair. Lu didn't want the crayon she gave her. How come she couldn't be little again? On and on and on. Granted it was interpresed with relatively good cheer and her normal useful, helpful, interested self but my goodness I ran through my entire stock of "It's not a contest" type quotations within the first half hour. THEN she spilled water on the couch and when I remarked upon it said (in her reasonable voice) "Well, it's your fault for putting it too close to the couch. You should have known I'd spill it." Here is when I (sort of) lost it. First, I cannot stand it when people do not take responsibility for their actions. I know she's five and I'm all over the "allowances due to age-approriate expectations" blah, blah, blah but thing is this is the first time she's done that. (Not the spilling part. She does that all the time, but the blame it on someone who isn't in the room thing). Usually, it's "Mom, I spilled, can you come clean it up?" (Which we're also working on... again, not the actual spilling...). Second, when in her life has she ever heard, ever, that I expect her to mess up?? Anyway. Basically we're talking a fairly standard "shifting of blame tied to an unrealistic analysis of herself and the situation" and instead of being all textbook about it, I yelled. I yelled at my kid. I NEVER yell at my kid. (Well, once. when she was two and she didn't want to sleep in her bed and it was three o'clock in the morning and she kept calling out for water. I yelled then too, and I felt HORRIBLE about it...) Sorry all of you who would feel really great if I yelled at her more, not trying to claim any superiority, not saying that not yelling is the single best way to raise a child, all I'm saying is i don't tend to yell when I'm mad at her and in this instance I did. So. I holler: "That is completely untrue! Why would you even say that??" Following which she stares and she starts to cry. So i... leave the room. Again, what the hell? Again, with the I never... Bottom line, I know the kid is feeling insecure and needs a snuggle so, I respond by leaving the room. This will probably not be something that CPS is especiallybe concerned about but I FEEL HORRIBLE about it! {Sigh} That's it really. We, of course made up. Snuggling happened. Kisses all round. Thing is, I know that, of course, these things happen and that it's probably stress but I don't feel like I'm particularly stressed about anything in particular right now. And actually, to be perfectly honest that'swhat's really weirding me out. I mean c'mon, this is minor. If I'm acting slightly strange in response to this imagine how bizarre it's going to get when kid two shows up, won't eat, cries all the time, breaks Boo's things and is insanely adorable to boot... now that's a situation! What happens when Boo really freaks out and needs a milion hugs?? What's my weirded out response going to be then?? to move out??! Well, anyway. Just wanted to get it out into the world so I could look it over and see if i'm missing something (probably), just being really, really hyper-sensitive (definitely) and whether or not this situation warrants further scrutiny (nah...). I'll just try to keep on the ole toes and figure out a way to deal with this newfound insecurity on my Bubbaloo's part. Hopefully this will be like the summer rains: sudden, swift, yet, in the end, fleeting.

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The Ugly: So, Dirty Boy calls me up last night to suggest ways in which I could entertain him. I suggest that he break out the butter and get re-aquainted with his right hand as 1) I have sworn off the Boy scouts, 2) am smack in the midst of a visit from my Aunt Flo and 3) am tired and want to go to bed. He, as is his want, ignores the first and third and focuses on the second.

Ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone which you think is going one way only to be horribly shown that it is, in fact, going a completely other way? (And that that other way is deeeee-scusting!!) So, conversation starts with me thinking: "My goodness, this new generation of boys sure is comfortable discussing female bodily functions". Seemingly gone are the days of "Eeeewwww!" or "Can we just not talk about it?" Here we have a boy who is not only comfortable discussing the process but seems actively interested in the minutae of the monthly curse. My how refreshing! Only to find that what I took for scientific inquiry was actually some perverse type of arousal! eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! What is that about???! First off, I actually kind of liked the days of secrecy and tribal rituals and "menstrual huts". It kind of seems like the one time a chick's allowed to be really uptight, tired, and not-in-the-freaking mood and it's all o.k. Is it too much to ask for four days in the month where it's o.k. to be a puffy, irritated blob and not have to worry about putting out?? Sheesh! anyway, thank you Dirty Boy for single handedly ruining my oasis of non-expectancy. You suck.