Monday, March 19, 2007

UNCLE!


O.K. I just have to say. My ENTIRE life does not suck. In fact HUGE swaths of it are A-O-K! For instance, there is a 3.5 year old sitting at a very tall table waiting patiently for her din-din in my livingroom and I just heard her murmur (very sotto voice, as if genuinely concerned -- presumably to her teddy perched beside her on the couch) "Hmmm. I wonder where my supper is?" I KNOW! Cute! Then I brought her her supper and she threw her hands in the air and yelled "Whoo Hoo!" No. There are key parts of my life that do not suck. i, however have a headache so forgive me if I dwell on the crappy bits for just a second.

Work sucks. It just does. I don't believe a single word that comes out of my boss's mouth plus every time I see her disappear to lunch with someone, an inadvertant tic develops just above my right eye due to the sheer random-ness of the decisons that inevitably arise from those "off-site" conversations. Plus my sweety-sweet Web Designer is leaving to pursue "other options" (presumably those that PAY) and I'll miss her. I've gone ahead and explained to her that in order to continue surviving the life she's left us to, i'm going to need to slug her in the arm every time she walks by but she still looked a bit taken aback the first few times my fist actually made contact. Ah well. Live and learn.

The private life isn't doing much better. It WAS doing better. It WAS doing GREAT! I had a very fun pseudo-date-like outing -- I'd throw some more euphemisms in there but I can't think of any others right this second -- with a super-sweet, cute, smart girl who I might actually get to hang out with again relatively soon (which is nice if a little odd considering that she actually knows me quite well and has still agreed to commit an entire other evening to my ramblings!) and was JUST starting to think my social life might actually be evolving into something that resembles something "real" people do but then... circa 3am... this conversation brought to us by the fun folks in that great state of Texas!

Her: Hey.
Me: Mmph? Who is this?
Her: It's [name changed to protect the deranged] May.
Me: Um. O.k. Why are you calling me at 3am?
Her: It's 5 here.
Me: Excuse me??!
Her: It's 5 here.
Me: {silence. fuming. hate. Let's remember, folks. It's not like I get alot of sleep...!}
Me: {with great self-control} Why are you calling me at 5am YOUR time?
Her: I was thinking about what you said.
Me: When?
Her: About me. About us.
Me: Which part?
Her: When you said it didn't make sense.
Me: It doesn't.
Her: Why not?
Me: You're 10. I could be your grandmother. You live in the middle of the country. I cheated on you with your boyfriend. Your DAD has the hots for me! I don't have the time or the energy or the therapist required to do this and i especially don't have them right now -- at 3 O'CLOCK IN THE GODDAMN MORNING!
Her: Your time.
Me: Aaarrrrrrggggg! {hang up phone. sit staring at it waiting for...}
{ring}
Her: Anyway, I'm gonna be out there on Tuesday. We should hook up.
Me: ...??!
Her: You know, figure stuff out.
Me: No!
Her: How come?
Me: I don't want to "figure stuff out". i don't want to see you. I'm sorry this is so hard for you but seriously, I'm done. [Note: for those of you who think I'm being harsh, please note if i really thought any of this had a chance in hell of being heard/understood/applied to anyone's self-assessment I would have phrased things a bit differently. Honest.]
Her: O.K. well my plane gets in at 9 [that's pm, folks] I'll come by after....{click}
Me: {sigh}

Then there's girl number two on the previous list of potential hang-outs

Her: Hey.
Me: hi!
Her: So, I was thinking about what you said [why, dear God, do my conversations with girls always start this way????]
Me: Yeah?
Her: I don't know if us hanging out is such a good idea.
Me: Oh. [a bit taken aback because 1) I was kind of just being nice when I suggested hang-age, 2) she's STRAIGHT and 3) Did I mention she's STRAIGHT??] uh... o.k.
Her: I mean, nothing personal, I'm just thinking I'm really busy right now and I don't want to get into this whole big thing, if....
Me: {?????} Uh....
Her: I mean, it'd be nice to get together I just don't know when we could given my schedule and yours...
Me: Uh, I'm pretty open...
Her: Oh. Well. Maybe we could. I dunno.
Me: Uh. O.K.
Her: Well. What about during the week. Maybe tomorrow [Tuesday]
Me: Uh.... I think I might be busy tomorrow night, but....
Her: ...
Her: O.K. Whatever. I'll call you {click}

Seriously.

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