When the cat's away...

This is what I do when The Wife is out on some pseudo-date with her Ex

1) Wander around the house feeling as if I should be "relishing my time alone"
2) Realize I'm not alone (the Spark is here) and even if I was I'd still prolly be doing the same thing which is nothing except feeling annoyed/jealous that The Wife is out on some pseudo-Date with a person who has seen her nekkid
3) Call my friends so they can reassure me I'm cuter than the Ex.

Me:Hey!
Friend#1:Christ...! What time is it???!
Me:Sorry.
Friend#1:Sh*t! Do you know what time it is??!
Me:[annoyed] I said sorry....
Friend#1:F***.
Me:Look are you awake or not?
Friend#1:Yeah. Whatever. What the hell?? [sound of fumbling, murmered conversaton]
Me:[snotty tone]Who's that? The wife?
Friend#1:[equally snotty tone]That's right! Where's yours?
Me:Shut up! Besides, I looked it up, it's like Noon over there right now!
Friend#1:We're in [mumble]Pants
Me:What??!
Friend#1:FRANCE! We're in France!
Me:Oh! Wow! Why?
Friend#1:Can we talk about this later?
Me:Oh, uh, sure. Um sorry.
Friend#1:How come you're calling? Are you o.k.?
Me:Uh, yeah. I... uh... I just wanted you to tell me I'm still cute.
Friend#1:............... [click]
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Me:Hi!
Friend#2:Hi!
Me:How was the trip?
Friend#2:Oh, man, it was awesome!
Me:Yeah?
Friend#2:Amazing! We went through the Antipottes [that's what it sounded like anyway....]
Me:Wow! That sounds cool.
Friend#2:Yeah.
Me:Well, did you miss me?
Friend#2:Heh. Sure. Man, seriously, you know who's hot?
Me:Who?
Friend#2:Greek Girls.
Friend#2:Seriously. Hot.
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Me:Hey....
Friend#3:Hi! What's up?
Me:I'm still cute right?
Friend#3:Of course you are! Why?
Me:Oh, I dunno. The Wife is out with her Ex and -
Friend#3:Oh.....
Me:What?
Friend#3:Wow.
Me:What??
Friend#3:That's weird. Does that make you feel weird?
Me:Uh, not really... I mean, it's not like I think they're doing anything....
Friend#3:hmmmmm
Me:WHAT??!
Friend#3:Nothing! I just think it's wierd. It's great that you're not threatened. I totally would be. But that's cool. That just means you're a bigger Girl than the rest of us!
Me:Hrrrmm....!
Friend#3:I mean, it's just a couple of old pals hanging out right?
Me:uh....
Friend#3:Nothing weird about that!
Me:uh. yeah. Hey, I gotta go.
Friend#3:Oh! O.K. well, hang in there. She'll come back. She married you after all, right!

4) Step away from the phone and make a whole bunch of comfort food.

Blah.