I'm here...

I'm a mom, I'm tired. Get used to it! So, I'm not out as an dyke tonight. I tried. I really did but after a full morning/early afternoon meeting with caseworkers, attending AcroSports classes and browsing Haight St. rummage offerings (followed by 45 minutes of driving around the Mission looking for parking) I glanced over at my two sleeping babies and realized that it was more important to me that they continue to sleep than it was for us to join that glorious sisterhood known as the Dyke March! I figure 1) they'll do just just fine without me, 2) I'd probably get really sick of telling all those peeps I only run into once a year at this particular event the history of my suddenly being with two childs and 3) I don't really need reminding re: the sheer numbers of dykes in the world who aren't even really considering having sex with me right now.

So, instead took the babies to the children's park at Lake Merritt where swinging happened, faces were painted and babies got supper. All in all a vastly superior evening I must say!

Except for this one thing. K. so I know I need to get used to this kind of thing but still....

Lady who was painting Boo's face kept telling her she was beautiful (which, as we all know, she is!) thing is after she finished she glances at Spark and says "She's yours too?" I say "Yup!" She says "they look different." I say "They are different." She continues to stare at my Spark with a non-smiling, kinda perplexed look on her face. I say (and I'm kicking myself now that I didn't just leave it...) "She's adopted." Face clears up. "Oh!" she says "Well, congratulations. But she's your real daughter right?" with nod at Boo. "They're both my real daughters!" (SHOULD have said.) "Yup." (actually said. Then walked away with painted Boo feeling weird so promptly started this inappropriate conversation with my up until then quite happy/oblivious child)
Me:"So, when stuff like that happens it makes me sad for Spark."
UUTQH/OC:Why?
Me:Because she's me "real" child too.
UUTQH/OC:So....
Me:Well, that lady was saying that you're really pretty and by NOT saying that you guys are alike she's sort of implying that Spark isn't....
UUTQH/OC:is she?
Me:Pretty?
UUTQH/OC:Yeah.
Me:Of course!
UUTQH/OC:As pretty as me?
Me:Um... differently pretty. I mean, you're REALLY pretty
UUTQH/OC:[sad]...
Me:Honey? What's up?
UUTQH/OC:[very sad] She's already cuter than me, now she has to be prettier too
Me:No!
UUTQH/OC:...
Me:That's not what I'm saying! You're beautiful!
UUTQH/OC:But you got sad because that lady liked me.
Me:No! That's not what I'm saying...
UUTQH/OC:[blinking away tears] then why are you sad?
Me:I'm not! I'm just.... I'm sorry.

I suck.

Anyway. Tomorrow I'll be out and proud. Tonight, I'm just trying to not completely suck as a parent.

Whew!

Took the babies down to San Jose yesterday to indulge in some quality JC Penny photographic moments with Foster Grandma et al. Have I mentioned that Ex Foster Mom is GREAT! Well, she is. Very admirable. She's going to make a stellar grandmotherly addition to the family! Anyways, fun in a "mall" kind of way but EGG-sausting! Kind of glad to be back at work actually. Ha! Show of hands for those of you who NEVER thought they'd hear that come out of my mouth! K. In other news, I'm not allowed to like my Pretend Girlfriend anymore which makes me less than ecstatic but whatever. Life happens. -- or rather I can like her all I want but I'm not allowed to wish/talk about/try to finagle her into liking me back so.... applications are now being accepted for a new full-time crush object. Must be vivacious, drop-dead adorable, at LEAST 32 years of age and able to make me fall over laughing even if I entered the conversation pratically suicidal. Especially if I entered the conversation suicidal. Liking of babies is a plus as is O.K. ness with irrational assumptions of ownership on my part and the occassional need to deliver the exact same advice over and over and over irregardless of my ever adhering to it. Line forms to the left people. Photo not necessary but short stories would be nice!

Also, in light of me and my PG's new imaginary relationship, I will henceforth refer to her as "Ole Green Eyes" a la Chachi from Happy Days. Cheers!

test

Conversations...

Boo: I can't do whatever I want. I have to listen to you.
Me: You can do whatever you want. The only reason you have to listen to me right now is because I'm supposed to be making sure you don't get hurt. I've been alive longer than you so I know more about not getting hurt than you do so you should listen to me until you're old enough to have figured it out.
Boo: How old?
Me: 46.
Boo: No! How about 18?
Me: O.K.
Boo: 17?
Me: No!

---

Dirty Boy: So, what are you going to do about your life?
Me: What about my life? My life is great!
Dirty Boy: I mean the "adult" part
Me: What "adult" part?
Dirty Boy: {smug silence}...
Me: Shut up!

---

Random Stranger: How old are your babies?
Me: Six and one and a half.
Random Stranger: And when's the other one due?
Me: ...?
Random Stranger:{with meaningful glance at my tummy -- smile} How many months are you?
Me:{scowl} I'm not any months.

---

Sparkle: Bahbahbahbah!!
Me:{absentmindedly - picking up dirty clothes} Really!
Sparkle: Mahtoblhhhhpppp!
Me:{absentmindedly - picking up toys} You don't say....
Sparkle:{looking at Boo's videos} Movie!
Me:{suddenly paying attention - amazed} You want to watch a movie?
Sparkle: Yeah!

---

Me:{getting dressed} ...
Boo:{delighted} Yay! You look like a teen-ager!
Me:{nonplussed - entirely unsure where to go with that} My clothes?
Boo: Uh huh.
Me: Is that good?
Boo: I guess.
Me: Should I change?
Boo: No. You can be my big sister.
Me: Got it. Who's going to be your mom?
Boo:{shrug} I don't really need one do I?

The horror...!

I have just been informed by Bazaar that "dishelved hippy","maxi-coats", and "pink as a 'statement'" are out. Damn. I was this close to being cutting edge!

K. now, let's see where were we... Took Miss Sparkle to the Doctor on Wed. so they could check her "pincer grasp" and get me all worried about her apparent "lack of it." Whatever. I have a huge issue with medical peeps (however well-meaning) attempting to quantify/evaluate babies and their development vis a vis agreed upon "stages." I mean on the one hand all the literature re: what kids are "supposed" to be doing in the first grade is all about reassuring caretakers that "children learn at different speeds and that some skills may be temporarily 'lost' as new ones develop." yet at the same time I'm supposed to get all freaked out and start searching for a qualified physical therapist all because my 13 month old isn't (theorhetically -- the Dr. didn't actually have anything small for her to try to pick up) "pincing things"! Annoys me. Also, what is up with hospitals needing to take a litre of blood every every single time they see your kid? Sheesh. I loves me some Oakland Children's Hospital but I really can't stand the western medical profession.

In other child-related news, the Boo made me laugh so hard i swallowed my gum the other day when we were driving home. We'd just been having a super serious discussion about how someone can be your friend yet still not be very nice when she says (all serious face and quiet tone) "Mommy can I ask you a question?" "Sure Sweetie," I reply (with concerned frown) "You can ask me anything."

"Are you looking for free checking?" saith she.
"Huh?" Saith me
"or how about an iPod" she suggests reading the next billboard we pass.

This continues until I can't even stand it any longer and am about to die laughing then she sums up by glancing at an advert for the newest BMW and announcing "It's just another Toyota!" {sigh, wipe eye} I love that kid.

Not really much else going on. Both childrens are responding well to their new day watching. Miss Sparkle will be starting to go from 8am-3pm on Mondee and if all continues to go well, she'll be in full-time as of week after next and I'll be back in the trenches (which I've surprisingly missed of late) trying to meet some serious deadlines/prove some key people didn't make one freaking horrible mistake by every thinking I was in any way qualified to do anything.

Oh! Saw my PG on Thursday which was GREAT although she made me feel guilty by inquiring whether or not I've spoken to Pretty Boy lately. Nope. I suck. Which reminded me that I've also not called my BBQ in about a year and a half either and while I could possibly continue living should Mr. Boy decide he never wanted to speak to me ever again (not really), I will never be over requiring the constant attention/guidance doled out by the ever-sweet Best Buddy Q meaning, of course, that at the very least I'm gonna have to get the hell over the "too busy" thing and give that gal a call!

you know what's wierd? That a cat can totally understand that a baby is a baby and not only let itself be totally abused but will also get that the baby "doesn't mean it" and will continue to hang around it. One of my cat won't even stay in the house if Sparkle is awake but my other one lets himself be pulled, pinched, slept on and dragged around by his foot -- all without hissing, running away and/or scratching (inadvertant or otherwise). Sweet, because it's obvious Spark adores him but wierd nonetheless...

two things...

1) My balance is totally shot. Seriously, I keep almost falling over and am constantly dropping things. Could be total lack of sleep, could be all the drugs I did in the late eighties. I honestly don't know but it is COMPLETELY DISCONCERTING.

2)I have gone completely out of my head and am writing random stories to people pretending to be someone/somewhere else. hmmm. Pretty sure Freud would have something to say about that but I really can't think about it right now.

That's it. Going to go put away groceries now before driving into the city to attend an training without the Baby (Miss Tail, you rock!). Quick show of hands -- who wants to be me right now? {sigh} Ah well, c'est la vie and all of that. G-ma always said "You can do anything for two weeks!" She never mentioned the state you'd end up in though once those two weeks were through. P'raps I will give her a call and inquire....

Congratulations!

Yay! My very favorite Bee (aside from Little B and the twins, of course) has passed her very last entry-into-the-glamorous-world-of-credentialled-teaching-programs test!!!!! She is brillant and amazing and I am unbelievably impressed! In fact, I officially have a new hero! Whoo Hoo!

Low-carb Coke??

Is there nothing sacred??!

K. So, moving on. Going on a camping trip to Yosemite with a One year old who you've only known for three weeks....? Not such a stellar idea. Inviting the Ex to go with? Priceless! Not that I didn't have a very fabulous time and not that I'm not grateful to the Mistah L-L crew for including us in their shin-dig but sheesh! A few things I realized from this particular excursion:

1) The single most traumatic sound in the entire universe is the whimpering sound of a Baby who hasn't had a nap in 13 hours and who FINALLY fell asleep an hour ago, who is just about to wake up screaming in a tent shared with a six year old and her other co-parent, in an otherwise crowded campsite, after everyone else in the valley has also finally gone to sleep.

2) The single most horrific realization vis a vis the aforementioned circumstance -- that the bottle/formula is "outside" in the "bear locker" (lest they smell the sweetness and come investigating) and that the keys to the car are somewhere in the tent (possibly in CP's wadded up jeans) under the two other surprisingly still sleeping occupants.

Yup. These are the moments when you hope God realizes that all those things you said you'd do if the Baby would just please go back to sleep...? You were just kidding. Mostly.

Trip was not all horrible though. Yosemite is beautiful and it was hot and we found a stream/tiny beach that was amazing... Plus Mistah L-L and crew were wonderfully sweet and accomodating. I think it's just a matter of scale. Drive out was a bit too far, camping party was a bit too large, expectations for relaxation a bit too unrealitic, etc. etc. We're hoping to try again at the Russian River (45 minutes away) without the CP, with a bit more preparation vis a vis baby sleeping habits in unfamiliar places and with a modified Mistah L-L crew (meaning fewer people to annoy by having to constantly alter plans due to child readiness) sometime in July.

---

In other news, both little girls had their first days today. Boo is ensconced at an Fabulous summer camp wherein she will learn to swim! (Know what one of the best things about your kid starting summer camp is? Flirting with all the tanned and beautiful 24-something camp counselors so they'll be especially nice to your child! What up Jorge!) Sparkle spent her first hour-and-a-half at the DayCare she will be hopefully calling home for the next 4 years and she also did wonderfully. She was a teeny bit tired due to lack of morning nap plus week-end excitement but all in all she handled herself like a trooper! I was dispatched to a cafe to while away the time whilst she became "acclaimated" which was fun because I actually got to write some real letters/stories to some peeps. The kind with paper and envelopes and stamps and stuff! I know!! I'm being sent away tomorrow morning as well so I may just continue this writing rampage...!

{sigh} Right now though...I'm tired. I woke up at 5:00am on Sat. to get everything assembled and packed for the Yosemite trip. Didn't sleep Sat. night due to unhappy Baby-ness and bizarre half-sitting "sleeping" position which needed to be maintained all night so finally-sorta-sleeping Baby would not get joggled/re-awakened, and woke early this morn to get the troops ready to start their collective new adventures. Tonight, though...! Tonight, I sleep...!

{Sigh}

I want all my days to be like this. Well. Minus the serious loss of "it" this morning when my baby decided she didn't need any more sleep circa 5:30am/didn't want to be held/didn't want to be put down/woke up my big girl who thought it was funny that the baby was awake but needed to suddenly be held herself/and who wasn't particularly hungry either... all on top of the fact that I stayed up late last night to finish this thing we have to post every Friday by noon but I didn't get it finished so I needed Sparkle to at least pretend she could exist without screaming for more than 15 minutes at a time. In the livingroom. While I worked in my bedroom. And her big sister ignored her to watch Sesame Street. Anyway.... Once all that was over we all went out for a little walk and had THE BEST TIME! I love Oakland! I love being out in the world with my beautiful babies! I love not getting all stressed out about everything. Seriously, once we moved away from the madness my world was perfect. I don't really think it's the new Baby per se that's making me a bit crazy I think it's the feeling that I'm doing things in the wrong context. Baby at work meetings/working at home when kids expect attention etc. just throws everything out of whack. But, it's all good right this second. Big Sis is perfect (and sweet and watching her Totoro movie -- thanks TM!) and Little One is asleep. Soon I will be showering then I'll start getting ready for the mondo-huge camping trip we're taking with Mistah L-L this week-end! Whoo Hoo!

and the word for today is...

Ineffectual! Man, I just got out of an "overview/status" meeting at work that kicked my ass! i mean, f***. The world is going to hell in a handbasket and for some reason it all feels like it's my fault. Or rather it's not specifically my fault but it's happening and I'm not there and so it feels like I should 1) at least know more than I do about it, 2) do something more than I am doing about it and/or failing that 3) at least be around to support the bastards who ARE there trying to sort things out.... {sigh} I mean, I get that I need to do this (aka bond with my new child) but it's hard not to feel responsible when crap happens in my department and people need me to decide things or assure them about things or make phone calls about things and I've got two kids in tow and fifteen minutes to spend on any given item... Plus, I'm tired. Blah.

Now see... that is why I dont' like being annoyed with people. It's a waste of energy on the one hand and it makes me forget the truly important stuff (e.g. how very splendid it was to attend the Boo's graduation-from-the-first grade/pizza party!) Sigh. I just don't understand why people try -- actively try -- to make their lives as dismal and pathetic as possible then try to get you to buy into their stupid world view. I used to think they were weak. People like that. That they didn't have any backbone and couldn't stand up for themselves to something that was sensible. But the thing is, sometimes these people have TONS of backbone. Sometimes they're incredibly persistent and motivated and energentic. It just happens to be in a wrong, stupid, self-serving direction is all. What are you gonna do with that? Anyways. Went to see my Butter-Boo be a big girl first grader one last time which was GRAND! She's coming here tonight as well and we have all day tomorrow and Friday to hang out and play! Yay! I love that kid.

Total hate...

Well, not really. There's this one lady though who hand-to-god I would schedule for extermination in a freaking heartbeat if I 1) had the authority and 2) heard that any other person needed any of the resources she's currently consuming, things like air, space, MY time.... Anyway. Baby's waking up but i just had to put that out there. Hope everyone else is doing swimmingly!

Back to Hootchie...

So, I'm out doing some power walking the baby and I notice that (as tends to happen when one is out with an adorable child) sundry passer-by tend to chat us up quite a bit. Ar least they tend to chat her up. Me, they ignore. Which is annoying. "Hey!" I think. "I'm a person too!" but then at the same time whenever an passerby does look in my direction, perhaps with a raised eyebrow and a slight smile/"How YOU doin'?" Wink, wink I get all bristly "You can NOT seriously think I have the time/interest/energy to pay attention to you!" I think, all affronted dignity and asexual Mommy-goddess pride. "Can you not see that I am with my Baby??!" Ha! I have no idea what the hell I want. Well, I do have some idea but she's busy helping tiny fauna grow into sustainable food options so it's not like she has a lot of time for outside pursuits. Plus she likes someone else. And even if she didn't, I'm fairly sure my lack of any kind of interesting life right now would send her running for the hills. Possibly not. Unlike myself, she actually has some depth to her so it's just possible she would be able to appear interested as I blather on about diapers, papers and missing items on our website. possibly by doing the times tables in her head. K. I've officially depressed myself. Moving on.

---

So, you wanna know how you can really bother a whole bunch of people out in the real world without really trying? Take your baby out without shoes or socks on. Now mind you, Sparkle is still in the stage where she's being carried everywhere so it's not like her feet are going to actually touch the cesspool that is the MUNI bus seat but still... The opinions! The glances! The outright hostility when I bring up the fact that she is more likely to catch "that flu that's going around" by touching the seatback with her hand then immediately chewing on her fist than she is by somehow absorbing it through the souls of her feet...! Anyway, it's an interesting case study. Someday I'll write a paper about it.

---

Going camping with Mistah Lovah-Lovah et al this week-end. I'm beginning to get very excited about it! First I need to be excited about the fact that tomorrow is Boo's last day as a First Grader but following that, I'm sure the wave of camping with the babies and the buddies will crest...!

And, you know what? I'm going to stop there. I WAS going to go on about my chagrin at the replacement of my favorite show (even if it is reruns)with some bone-headed new Surf-drama but I'm not going to give THEM the satisfaction!

Whodda thunk...

That a child's naptime would come to mean more to me than just about anything else in this vast world of ours! Anyways, Big Sister party yesterday was great! Ms. Bee is a master at child entertainment and i am grateful to the whole B clan for hosting this much-needed and hugely appreciated event! The ever special Mistah Lovah-Lovah photographed the whole shebang so pics will soon be available to those of you who are particularly adept at currying my favor. The rest of youse... sorry. One to a customer, please. Ha! Don't know where that came from, just thought I'd throw it out there. K. So. I've nothing really more to say other than I'm particularly happy the aforementioned event happened as it did. I could go on and on (and on) about the rest of my currently kinda stressful yet still rewarding life but I find that even I have a threshold for baby-related news. Maybe later. For now I will content myself with adjourning to the sofa where I will partake of a frosty beverage and attempt to dream up some cutting-edge/holistic design to show to our Web re-design crew that won't get me laughed out of the building. Ah... who am I kidding?? i'm just going to lie around thinking less than pure thoughts about my PG (who, I just found out has a dangerous "Kill Bill" side to her as well... well, maybe more of a "Pulp Fiction" side) until either the baby wakes up or Ms. Bee shows up with her little ones. Hmmmmm. Is this what it's like for other new parents or am I just taking lazy to entirely new heights?

Mmmmmm. Sexxxxy...!

I have one cranky child who needs a bath, one sleepy child who won't let me put her down and a half carton of spoiled Half and half in my refrigerator. I discovered the latter by dumping a bunch of the congealed mass into what was going to be my first cup of coffee. I am also covered in baby throw-up (luckily, my shirt has a large multicolored print so I think it'll blend right in.... Eventually...) Anyone who knows what i was thinking when i decided to do this, could they please take a moment to quickly sketch it all out on a napkin or something and send it to me. Soon, please. Thanks.

In my defense, I would first like to say...

I've been very tired lately and i may have been giddy from the heat. So anyway, I'm down South dropping off Kid 2 with Ex-Foster Mom sos they can hang out and engage in some quality reconnection action and I'm not due to pick up Kid 1 from school for another coupla hours so, says I, "I think I'll stop by Santana Row just to see what a real Mall looks like" when lo and behold whom should I run into in the "Dress for Success" section of Macy's but my old friend D. whom I have not seen since our days of slinging donuts at the afterhours crowd over on Third and King! "Well!" saith she, all smiles and huggy arm squeezes "Long time no see! How's Alaska Boy?" "Good" says I. "I think. I haven't actually seen him in awhile." I notice that while we're chatting we're also walking. "uh, huh." she nods glancing at a rack of longish dresses and selecting one to add to the assortment currently draped over her arm. "Wedding." she explains. "Ex." she continues. "I have to look hot!" she winks. "Come help me pick." She clasps my arm and drags me into the dressing room. K. Now. Let me just say, I did not IN ANY WAY indicate that I had any interest in becoming part of this little excursion. Nor did I in ANY way expect that a casual conversation would end with me staring at an half-dressed (remarkably well-preserved) female as she adjusted her cleavage and demanded to know whether or not she looked "hot??" I would also like to add that were my Pretend Girlfriend to just freakin' start liking me back already I may not have felt the need to just go along with the first big-haired lass who happened to invite me into her dressing-room and the following conversation might have been prevented. Eh hem. Anyway. I replied that "yes." she did in fact look "hot." To which she replied (in quite the flirtatious manner -- demure smile, eyelashing batting, the whole nine yards) "Really?"
Me: Yup
Her: {giggle} Cool. Hey. [turns back to me so I can unzip aformentioned "hot" dress] What happened with you and Alaska Boy? I thought you guys were gonna get married.
Me: Uh. heh. No. [concentrating on zipper]
Her: [with smile over shoulder] Find someone better?
Me: Uh. Hah ha, uh... yeah. Um... kind of. Yeah. [concentrating on really very nice carpet pattern as she turns to face me holding dress up with one hand]
Her: You have a kid though right?
Me: Yeah. Two now actually.
Her: Wow! That's great! he must be great!
Me: Who?
Her: Your husband...?
Me: Uh...
Her: Oh [hand flies to mouth, dress begins to slip] Sorry. I just assumed [sheepish smile]
Me: Yeah. Actually, I'm co-parenting one with an Ex of mine and I'm single parent adopting the other.
Her: [Nodding. dress still slipping] mmmmmmm
Me: I'm Gay. [I DO NOT know where that came from. "I'm Gay." That's just... so.. GAY!] I mean... I... my Ex... Boo, my kid has two moms and the other one... the one we just got... she only has one. I mean... me... [needing to die]
Her: Oh. [Continues to stare at me as dress pretty much becomes useless in terms of any sort of actual coverage.] Oh. [sort of shrug, shake thing then she notices that she's standing there in the ole bra and panty set --A Set. Soooo San Jose Straight Girl! -- and begins to get dressed] So... um... well, I mean that's cool.
Me: um hm. [not sure where to look. inching toward door]
Her: [Picking up "hot" dress and Gawd help me, winking again! with smile] So I guess you're qualified to judge...!

!!

So, there you have it. She says I should call her "next time I'm in town." Uh. Yeah.

---

In other news, my Boo about town had Pajama Day at school today which meant she got to wear her jammies all day long and can i JUST say she was/is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!! After school we went to meet up with a friend of hers whom she had made dinner plans with and along the way we collected another pal of hers who happened to see us walking by and demanded to be allowed to accompany us. Tell me again when my child became a grown-up??

One more thing...

Well actually two. I forgot to mention that I stopped by ex-place-of-business SNIFF yesterday with the Spark in tow to introduce her to her God Uncle L-L and to say howdy to my boyz and I have got to say they were, are, and will no doubt continue to be the most phenomenal set of mens-folk I think I've ever laid mine eyes upon. I mean they, as a group are pretty darn cool but then they also individually manage to be completely stellar as well. Tony in particular is noteworthy mostly because he's approaching the big 3-0 which is just SAD but also because he holds claim to being the only boy I've ever met who can wake up in the morning, choose to wear a light cream-colored, pressed, snappy looking shirt and still have it look clean, pressed and snappy when I drop by late afternoon! That is unless he spontaneously changed during lunch but still... even 3.5 hours is a long time to go without spilling something. At least it is for me. Anyways... Also didn't have nearly enough time with Sir James and his crop of stories vis a vis the French which he compiled during his recent sojourn to that beautiful country -- in general I found chatting/catchup time to be lacking but it was very great seeing everyone again and now that I've assured myself they weren't only being nice to me so I'd approve their stupid screen designs I will be hitting them one and all up for lunch!

---

Thing 2 is that my BBQ is really very sweet. I don't know why she chooses to keep me around but I'm glad she does. That's all.

I'm starving!

So, I'll keep this short. First a huge THANK-YOU to my good friend Miss Bee for offering to host a Big Sister party for my Boo! How much fun are we collectively going to have????? If, for some reason you're reading this and are finding yourself surprised to hear that such an event is happening because you've somehow not been alerted 1) check your e-mail, loser! and/or 2) er...um... see what had happened was.... K. nuff about that. I'll no doubt go on at length after the actual event occurs so I'll cut it short for now. Also, quick thank you to the Miss Bee for entertaining me and the Sparkle this morn and showing me her tomatoes (heh heh heh!) Such a quality gal! The teaching profession is about to be doubly blessed! {sigh} I'm hungry. I'm cranky too but I think that's tied directly to the hungry part so, I think i'm jest going to go and make myself a little sumptin' sumptin' and see if I can't kickstart a little of that ole house cleanin' sos the nice social worker types don't take Sparkle back type of action! Ciao for now!

Kindness of strangers...

Attempted laundry today with the kids in tow and realized how very quickly the simplest things can become a freaking ordeal. i also learned how remarkably sweet total strangers can be for no reason other than because they feel like being sweet. Trust me. It wasn't like they were trying to get into my pants or anything. I had kid drool all over me and was wearing my "wash-day" outfit... Also, I'm not surper sure I'll ever be bathing again so it's not like there was even an olefactory incentive there!

I am doing two things right now. I am composing an post and I am also watching The Collected No Doubt Videos. I am doing both of these things sitting at my desk in my room. There are many reasons why this whole situation thrills me to no end but the top five are as follows:

1) Travelin' Man lent me this super nifty DVD player as well as bought me this cool DVD featuring the aforementioned videos. TM rocks. hard.

2) Whilst my computing area was established via my "desktop" PC I rarely (read "never") used it just for the fun of it. Boo played on it quite a bit but it wasn't easily hooked up to any sort of internet access source so mainly it was all about typing papers and working on stuff I copied onto a disk from work and brought home. Since getting a work laptop the only time the Pink Monstrosity was called into play was when Boo wanted to make stuff using KidPix. I've since shipped PM off to my mom in NM (big Brother just set it up for her. Interestingly enough he's the best kid now cause he set the thing up. Me? I just shipped it! Whatever. It's not like I've only got the one mom -- wait... ;-]) Anyway! Long story short, I got a new laptop, wireless DSL and a relatively clean work area on the world's coolest drop leaf desk. My computing life right now is sweet.

3) Baby is asleep. My God, can I just say two kids is exhausting. I'm not going to go there with the "careful what you ask for" blah, blah, blah because I'm the luckiest human being on the planet and this luck is best illustrated by taking a cool appraising glance at the stuff in my life that is exactly as I requested it... I'm just tired is all and glad Sparkle takes the occassional nap so I can stop chasing her around...

4) Boo is better. She was sick yesterday. Throwing up. Miserable on the couch all day. 102.5 fever. I called the advice nurse at Children's who scared the HELL out of me -- "Sounds like she has a stomach virus. Could last up to 48 hours. Vomitting will probably be followed by diarrhea which could last for up to five days. Call us back when her temp hits 104. Other than that just keep her comfortable and hydrated." WTF??! Anyway, she stopped vomitting mid-day and her temp never went higher than 102. No diarrhea either. She was MUCH better this morning. Ergo, my world=great.

5) La, la, la! I get to see my Pretend Girlfriend tomorrow. I haven't seen her in forever and I had just decided I needed to stop acting silly vis a vis her adorableness when (ta-da!) I went to see my BBQ who got me all stirred up again. So, we're pretty much back at square "stupid" -- ah well. There are no doubt worse people to have crushes on. (In fact... I think I've already cycled through most of them!)

So, there you have it. I'm happy right now. Tired but happy. I also have the best friends ever with the cutest hand-me-downs for my Sparkle! I'm telling you, I don't think I could have planned this better if I'd tried!

I'm alive...!

Just barely! Thanks to Travelin' Man for being the absolutely sweetest person ever and spending the better part of sixteen weeks (o.k. more like two hours) getting my DSL installed/set-up once the "user-friendly" directions FAILED ENTIRELY to work. Also thank you for the mondo sweet prezzies and the gratis computer tweaking. What did I do to deserve such phenomenal friends??! Seriously?? Anyway. I'm tired. I'm happy, lucky, more than content with the direction the life has seemingly finally been steered in. I am also scared, tired, slightly blue and really not very sure what THE HELL I was thinking but, whatever. You do what you gotta do right? Sparkle is here full-time permanent-like. Papers have been signed. She's basically ours. There are certain "i"'s that will need to be dotted circa November 26th but for all intents and purposes she be mine. (I'd insert an evil laugh here but I just don't have the energy.) I'm 97% sure I can get her into God's-own-Daycare too where she will not only be tended far better than I ever could but will also be fed three nutritious meals a day and allowed to pull everything she can get her tiny little hands around onto the floor. She'll also learn Spanish. Hmmmm. Wonder if I can get myself in there...

Quick shout out/feel better to Miss Bee who is having all her teeth removed today (why is it exactly that the ones they pull out are the ones we call our wisdom teeth. I just can't help but feel that that's just really somehow ill-advised...) I hope the swelling is minimal and that the rebound time is short. Love to BBQ who was gracious enough to entertain me and Sparkle today and who I adore because she is one of the few people who can get me all giggley in spite of the fact that I'm exhausted, haven't showered in a week and am concentrating on spooning yogurt into a-should-be-sleeping-fusspot of a baby. BBQ, you rock. {sigh} Actually, I think I'm going to stop there. i have a big little one who needs me to go scare away the strange voices in the bedroom and a littler little one who's going to wake up in 2 hours demanding watered down apple juice and a backrub so, I should get some sleep while the sleeping ees gutt. Kisses to all. Huge Thank You to all you sweet beautiful people who are being so happy around my happiness. I've got the best friends ever and I hope I tell you how much you all mean to me at least half as often as I think it!

Hey everyone, quick update, transition happened so now we have Sparkle full-time at our house which is FAB-ulous (and tiring -- how'd I forget this whole babies not sleeping thing? Hmmmmmm.) In a completely unrelated incident the world exploded at work at about the same time so, oddly, while I thought there might be more of a stretch between the time Sparkle arrived at our home and was introduced to work, I've come to find that this was very short indeed. She's here right now whilst we wait for some meeting to start and she's being awfully patient, I must say... Anyways. That's all the news really. As soon as I get DSL up at home I'll start posting again with more frequency. Til then, guess you're just going to have to call for the deets! ;-]

Luckiest person ever!

Just a quick check in to say that I am the luckiest person EVER! I went down to see my Sparkle today and took her for a walk around Foster Mom's neighborhood.... Can I just say, SUCH a beautiful place to grow up! Quiet, peaceful. Trees and flowers and friendly waving people everywhere... really I don't think I could have asked for a more idyllic setting for my Baby to have spent her first year. FM has been and continues to be GREAT! She's just so committed and caring and cool... I dunno. It's just really amazing to me that she and Sparkle found each other and that she's so good to her babies and that she likes and supports me being her bub's new Mommy... {sniff, wipe eye} it's just all really cool is all! (P.S. I got a Sparkle smile today when I walked in! Have I mentioned she's A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!!)

My house is a mess!

K. So, in an attempt to begin moving things into a fit enough state to host the new kid, I have somehow managed to make my house even more inhabitable (if that's possible) than ever before. {Sigh.} I need to just start throwing things into boxes and letting god sort it all out! Speaking of which, how quickly have I moved from "Resigned to just having the one kid for the rest of our collective lives" to being "slightly annoyed that this lady in San Jose still has my baby!" Now don't get me wrong. i am grateful beyond belief that Foster Mom is such a very stellar person and that little Sparkle has had the benefit of being in one (secure, loving, capable) place all of her short, sweet life but still and all, now that I've met her, now that we've all pretty much decided that she's mine -- I'm just kind of not really seeing what the freakin' hold-up is! See, there I go agian. Of course I see what the hold-up is. the hold-up is that this woman has been raising/bonding with this person for a year and I'm waltzing in and carting her away without even an "if you please." How much do I suck?? A few things I'm realizing:

1) It takes a certified saint to be a foster mom. Don't hand me your stories of blah, blah, foster mom who's "only in it for the money" bullsh*t...! Sparkle's FM has been doing this for fourteen years. She's had more than 275 kids pass through her house. She's 56 years old, currently adopting a three-year-old and STILL is having a hard time with the thought of my Sparkle leaving her. A Saint I tell you!

2) How much must it suck to be adopting a baby where you actually know the birthmother. Especially sucky if she's not such a bad person. Like if you're just waiting around for some teenager to pop so you can wisk her kid away to "a better life." Seriously, I'm just starting to realize how very fortunate me and the Boo are to be able say in no uncertain terms (relatively) that this kid we're getting will most likely benefit from knowing us as much as we'll benefit from having her in our lives.

3) Skin color is a pretty significant trump card. Things I'm realizing the more I talk to Foster Mom include the fact that she, herself, was considering adopting my bub (and probably would have gotten her, too) but held off because she had faith that "God was going to be sending the right person!" Well, she was right about that but the interesting thing here is that the short list of her prerequisites vis a vis "right" are... "African-American." That's it. There were "two ladies" that applied that she fancied herself "dismayed" by (assumingly they were lesbos) and although she did say that "she could have accepted their 'lifestyle' if they'd seemed really interested in Sparkle" she later confided that she was "delighted that they dropped out" because they were both {shhhhhh} "white!" Interesting. Not that I'm complaining since sum total, I win but interesting nontheless. Also interesting to see what she makes of the fact that "God" has sent a big ole dyke who was raised by her white mom and who works in the adult SEX industry! :-] Not that she's going to really know about any of that until after all the appropriate paperwork has been signed but one can't help but think that p'raps her God does work in mysterious ways!

Anyway, Boo met Sparkle yesterday and the two of them got along swimmingly. Another thing I forgot in my hyper-focus on "the attendant issues that will no doubt arise" was that Boo is the world's best kid. After we'd hung out for awhile and were on our way back home I mentioned to Boo that I was the world's luckiest mom becuase I had the world's best kid. She (perfection incarnate) replied "Kids. You have the world's best kids."

Memories...

{sniff} Put together the Boo's old crib last night in preparation for Little Miss Sparkle coming to stay and I have just got to say - I love that crib. I have all these memories of my Boo-Beane circa one-year-old clinging to the bars and chewing on the railing... I don't think she ever actually slept there but my goodness it all kind of came rushing back. It's a great crib too. Both sides come down -- one-handed operation too; definitely NOT to be underestimated believe you me!

Really just beautiful...

Hello folks. Sorry, I've not checked in before this -- I know many of you have been waiting with baited breath to hear how things went with Potential Daughter #2 who shall henceforth be referred to as Sparkle but everything is moving really fast all upon a sudden and I've just been running around trying to catch up.

Meeting with the various Caseworkers went well. Meeting with Foster Mom (who is GREAT, albeit in an uber-Christian sort of way) went great. Meeting with my dear sweet little Sparkle went great! Sum total = She's healthy and fabulous and developmentally on target and I'm pretty happy about all of that. Not to mention the fact that she is a-dor-rable! Second upshot of all of this is that they (Caseworkers et al) are seeing this "placement" happening at THE END OF THE MONTH. That's right folks I need to figure out every single thing that needs to be figured out vis a vis adding a happy, healthy one-year-old to our family in the next week or so. In addition to the fact that, due to her age the game plan is for me to go down there (San Jose) fairly often to participate in her daily care so she can watch her Foster Mom approve of me and which will help the eventual transition but which (like this morning) also sort of translates into a 2 hour drive to give a 20 minute bath. Me = soooo not complaining though. She is great! I am happy! Overwhelmed. Scared. Not just a little freaked out, but HAPPY nonetheless!!

Happy Belated Moms Day!

Hope everyone loved their moms up very much yesterday! If you are amoung those not fortunate enough to have a mom who deserves serious lovin' then I hope you managed to find a suitable replacement and failing that, at least manged to get out and live a little!

Speaking of all of that, my own personal week-end was grand! Sat. was a bit tricky with me and the Boo -- lots of sadness and tears "for no reason" (I feel like there's this huge wave cresting vis a vis new baby sister and Boo's completely freaking-out that I'm expecting and ostensibly "prepared for" that's just so going to suck when it actually happens) but I think we're both just going to have to stick it out and deal with stuff as it comes up and that everything will work itself out. Still tough though.

Sat. eve we attended an gala event to support CP's latest movie which also featured a dashing Miss Tail and a very spiffily cleaned up Mistah Lovah-Lovah so whilst I may have been able to imagine several other ways I could have been spending my Sat. night, this one didn't turn out to be all that taxing. I {heart} my friends!

Sundee morning, hooked up with the CP and we all went and had a very festive Mom's day brekkie, which was nice. After that Travelin' Man and I went to go see Kill Bill 2 which was GREAT (and v. mother's day affirming in it's own twisted way... Favorite Quote from the movie: "Not that it's any of your business but I'm a fuckin' surgeon with a shotgun!") OH! And get this, I'm buying my ticket to go see this "R" rated movie which, correct me if I'm wrong but, I believe means "you must be at least 18 years or older to attend" and the ticket lady asks me for my ID! Seriously! At first I thought it was just a standard thing but then she proceeds to NOT ask TM for his! WTF??? Anyways, the rest of the movie going experience was grand and the sitting in the cafe and chatting and the music shopping after was also grand! Really, I don't think I could have imagined a more fabulously relaxing afternoon! Thanks TM for the stellar companionship! After all of that, I ended my glorious day/eve by hooking up with the ever sweet Pretend Girlfriend who made time in her busy schedule to stop by and spend some quality time on my couch shootin' the sh**, having a beer and jest plain being a very good sport about my obsessive need to stare at her. Seriously, I get that I'm a very lucky girl but sometimes I feel doubly blessed!

Not so great today...

Today we have a headache. Just a titch of a headache -- nothing to stay home over, but an headache nonetheless. The child is not so happy either. Kind of sad and clingy. She was v. unhappy with the idea of my not staying with her while she was in class today. All day. After five years in the managed care/school system my kid actually still thinks on some level that my staying with her in class all day is an option that I just choose not to do. And, I guess she's right. If I really want to analyze it, I guess I could sit with her all day. She comes to my work to hang out with me. Hmmmm. P'raps that's what I'll do. Pick a day and just follow her around. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Now how do I set that kind of thing up?

Anyway, could be accumulated stress (lots of big life-changes coming up for discussion -- baby sister suddenly becoming a realistic possibility, school ending, just getting older in general), could be lack of sleep (we were both kind of tossey and turney last night), could be the fact that we have too damn much to do this week-end (all fun stuff but still stuff that requires doing in a relatively short amount of time), could be anything really. Combine this with the fact that I just "solved" this issue we were having with pricing this morning by suddenly paying attention to something that our Goddess IS chick had been trying to explain to me for close to an hour and which, once I actually heard what she was saying and took a quick glance at, was pretty straightforward. God. I'm suspecting that I will by-and-large be COMPLETELY WORTHLESS today. I sure as hell hope nobody needs anything important....

Career Day!

Whoo Hoo! just got back from talking to thirty 12 year olds about my "career" as a web designer/artiste. I had fun. Hopefully, they did as well. They were actually all pretty damn adorable (and TALL -- my god, what are they feeding these children??) some of them were completely uninterested but they were all super respectful and nice. Then there were like a handful who were obviously way into it but it was difficult trying to explain the process, the software, how I came to be a web designer and helpful places they could go on-line to learn this stuff -- all in under 10 minutes while, at the same time trying to be engaging. Still and all though, aside from the fact that the tiniest of them still towered over my short little self, I'm really glad I did this. Other speakers included an FBI agent, a Fireman, a Cop, an Account representative for Levi's (Docker's department), a Sushi chef, a hair stylist and a photographer (!!) I know! How'd my silly a** get in there with that lineup?? It was also very adorable that some of the kids who were in my sessions waved to me in the hallway when I was leaving. Yay!

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Got the check in from Pretty Boy this morning. About time, too! What with the IPO and everything I was beginning to wonder if he wasn't gonna start frontin' and whatnot -- you know, forgettin' the little people...! But nope. He's just busy datin'/working. Good to hear he's happy/doing well. Getting together may happen at some point next week -- which would be an interesting study in "keeping hands to selves" but we shall see what we shall see. Maybe we can "just be friends" for awhile and see how that goes.... ;-]

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Also had lunch with Travelin' Man yesterday which was very much fun. Truly a gem of a person. We're gonna go see something gorey on Sunday so any interim missing of his fabulous self will be short-term.

Aight. Here I am, getting back to work now. See. Here I go.... Working... Now.

Victory is mine!

Ha! So, kitten = caught! I scooped her up and carted her scared little self off to the vet last night wherein she will hopefully get all fixed up and duly returned to me this eve none (mostly) the worse for wear. Front neighbor is re-doing the eintire porch area with tongue and groove slats which is just COOL! (I think i have a wood-fetish) ... Let's see. Nothing new to report really. I'm officially "desparate" but that's not really news to anyone. (although, I'm equally attached to my new drama-free celibate lifestyle so it's not so much desparation as it is wanting to get really close to peope I already like. I would not, for instance, welcome with open arms the advances of some random individual who might call out to me on the street, say....) I'm lunching today with the ever-cool Travelin' Man which should be extra nice cause I haven't seen him in a little bit. I was just in a meeting from which I emerged with Chicken Noodle soup which is just cool pretty much anyway you look at it! Heard from Caseworker that Kid 2's Caseworker has assured him that this is not all some cruel joke so meetings will be set up which is also pretty cool. I think that it from me for now though. I'm just kind of happy contented n stuff. Hope ya'all are the same.

I want kisses. I want kisses from a grown-up who has been thinking about my lips for awhile and who, while acknowledging that they are useful for a whole variety of acts up to and including spewing witty rejoinders like nobodies bidness, also thinks it would be cool if they stopped yapping long enough to allow for the kind of intense smooching typically reserved for veterans returning from overseas.

Outwitted by a cat

A kitten actually. Do me a favor. Review the following statistics and give me Your odds on who should have emerged victorious vis a vis the match-up last night...

Me: Human. Above average IQ. 36 years on this planet. Backed up by 50 years cat-trap making technology and a can of fresh tuna.

Cat in question: Kitten. Probably about 6 months old. Brain the size of a smallish apple. Plays with bugs.

So, I failed entirely to catch that stupid animal last night (plus it was dark and I was tired {whine}) so I'm sitting out there again tonight hoping to entice aforementioned animal into the nice scary wire house I've set up to imprison it so I can take it to the vet and have it cut apart and sewn back together. hmmmmmmm. I'm beginning to see the rationale for it maybe not wanting to get caught...

Dumb cat.

Match!!!!!

I got a match!!!! There is a one-year-old in San Jose who is currently slated to BECOME MY LITTLE GIRL (if I don't find out anything extraordinarily scary in her file that is -- seriously WHAT would that have to look like???!) Lalala! Waiting for Caseworker to call me back/set up a "disclosure" hearing....

I'm going to die, I'm so happy!!!!!!!!

eh, hem. Not that anything is set in stone or anything...

WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Not for the weak!

Hello all! How were our collective weekends? Great! Mine was fabulous as well. Well, kind of. Sat. was great. Sundee morning was fine (we went to pick up a cat trap to try to "collect" this feral kitten who is in need of some fixing and we went to get the trap from the lady who gave us our house kitties and who -- after "mothering" maybe 200 or so cats during her lifetime, STILL goes on and on and on about my charcoal kitty, Igor. I mean, he's a great cat and all but sheesh...! anyways. She's great and nice and Boo loved the fact that our cats have a "Grandma") but then I decided to do a semester's worth of laundry after which I decided to "clean" (aka move piles of crap from one spot in the house to another) which ended with both me and the child very cranky and annoyed with one another. The final straw came after we had spent about twenty minutes arguing about whether or not we should get rid of our computer monitor (CPUs going to my mom and I want to put the laptop in it's place but Boo is, for some reason, inordinately attached to the idea that the monitor must stay. I have no idea what's up with that but anyway.....) then I said "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Then she said "Well, I Do!" which I have NEVER heard come out of her before and which caused me to stare at her "in a mean way" [she says. I think it was more of a "frustrated" way but whatever....] which made her flounce off to her room. When I went in to look at her she started crying and said it "felt like I didn't love her anymore." Which KILLS me so we sat in the orange chair and snuggled a bit while I triend to explain that while I wasn't always going to have patience with her I was always going to love her." to which she replied, snifling, "I wish you had patience too." {sigh} So, that's where we left it. This morning I went in to look at her adorable sleepy self and she woke up and smiled and said "Mommy, I'm glad you were pregnant with me." And I said "Why?" and she said "Because I like my life." {dying!} And, just like that, it all became good again! (She also said, "I'm sorry I was cranky last night." but that was after I gave her a cookie so it probably only half counts. ;-])

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In other news, Bendy Girl is of the opinion that I should call her. Conversation as follows:

BG: You should call me.
Chick: Why?
BG: {grin, shrug} Just cause.

Keee-rist! What is it about girls, Man?? Too late though. I have given myself to celibacy and there is a VERY short list of persons for whom I would renounce mine noble pledge. [note to Lyle's people. Certain allowances are, of course, a given. Let him know that he's still free to call me whenever he's in the area.]

Ways I torture myself - Part 1

O.K. so there's a pretty significant list of ways I set myself up to be miserable but this morning pinpointed a specific incident that led to one of those "larger epiphanies" about the world in general so I just thought I'd share. (Yay, you!)

K. So, I wake up every morning by having my radio begin playing this stupid morning show hosted by these oftentimes fairly obnoxious people so that I must immediately wake up and hit the snooze button. When I'm by myself this means I have ten more minutes during which to sleep/consider the various reasons why I pretend I exist/wonder how I'm going to get to work before the show starts again and I must AGAIN hit the snooze button. This can go on pretty much indefinitely. When I have the Boo, she sleeps with me on Thursday nights which means that there is even more of a sense of urgency about waking up and smacking "snooze" Friday mornings since it's pretty much a given that the first thing blaring out of those ernstwhile speakers will be "ass!" or "hairpie" or "fourteen children burned to death yesterday on thier way to school..." So, to recap -- morning show comes on. I hit snooze. Show stays off for ten minutes then comes on again.

When I have the Boo, my mornings are like this:

Wake up, hit snooze, yawn. Stretch. Stare at ADORABLE sleeping angel child snuggled up next to me. Make mental note re: extraordinarily loud snoring in order to torture her later when she is more fully awake and can become adequately annoyed. Get out of incredibly warm bed. Wander into bathroom. Brush teeth. Grimace at hair. Realize all clothing options SUCK. Radio show comes on again. Run into room to push "snooze" button. Choose something relatively clean from clothing pile on floor assuring self that there will be time to re-consider outfit after everything else is sorted out. Go into kitchen. Assemble exact same lunch for Boo (with slight variations due to yogurt/apple availabilty) as I always assemble. Feel guilty. Resolve (again) to stop being such a slacker mom and learn how to put together exciting, nutritious lunches that involve multiple tiny containers and "fun" shapes. Radio show comes on again. Run into room to push "snooze" button. Go into livingroom, put lunch into backpack. Carefully remove, sort and stack fifty thousand memos/papers/fieldtrip slips/cookies sale forms . Resolve to carefully consider each and every one of them at later date. Notice that "things to carefully consider" stack is growing precariously large. Remove anything dated earlier than March 3rd to "recycling bin" (aka garbage can). Sign child's homework. Learn that her first grade class has apparently moved on to studying quantum physics (illustrated using boats and puppies) -- feel good about this while at the same time v. inadequate/afraid. Radio show comes on again. Run into room to push "snooze" button. Go into kid's room. Carefully choose adorable, matching outfit. Go in to wake up world's sweetest sleeping child. Introduce her to outfit. Squelch hurt feelings as she (after considering my selection) gets up, goes into her room and selects a different outfit that is not only several times cuter than what I put together but also manages to be cleaner, hipper, and slightly derivative (but still better) of the outfit I, myself have on. Feel better, though, because we are now "twins!" Sit on toilet feeling completely unnecessary as child brushes teeth, brushes hair, assembles ponytails and wanders off to find "cool" shoes. Radio show comes on again. Run into room to push "snooze" button. Stand there a minute, then realize that instead of pushing snooze I could just turn the volume all the way down. Resolve to do this next time. Check actual time. Realize we are about to be REALLY late. Run around like crazy woman assembling breakfast, finding sweater/jacket, feed cats, collect backpack, bag, PTA thingie asking whether or not you're most in favor of cutting funding for "the Art Center, Capoeira, the Computer Lab or the Science teacher", Radio show comes on again. Run into room to push "snooze" button -- Run out the door.

So. What was this core thing that I realized? This intrinsic, global concept that occured to me on my way across the bridge this morning? I realized that it's not the fact that we sometimes set up faulty patterns/make mistakes that makes us human. It's the fact that we never, ever learn from them/change. Thank you. More on this depressing thought later I'm sure.

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In other news, though, kid drew the world's coolest sunset with crayons for me to bring to work today so I'm actually pretty happy right now. :-]

I am here...

But I am not fresh.... I was out too late last night having a drink with the Miss Tail and laughing a whole lot then I sat on the bridge for a very long time while the road crews decided what they were going to do with the middle three lanes. Finally got home and couldn't get to sleep -- stayed up instead to watch Slaves of New York (quite possibly the finest motion picture ever made) This reviewer, BTW, is obviously on crack.

Which leaves us now, here, very exhausted. I'm not sure why this whole non sleep thing is continuing to occur given the marked lack of stuff I have to do right now but, who knows... maybe it's "residue" stress.

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Quick shout out to Pretty Boy -- His company is going IPO meaning he will soon be richer than GOD and I have got to say, it really couldn't happen to a nicer guy. All the best with your newfound wealth, my friend! If at any point you feel compelled to to kick down some bones so your favorite ex can get a nice little duplex in Oaktown, you jest give me a ringey-ding sos we can work out the details. ;-]

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Lastly, big ups to BBQ without whom I quite possibly would have failed to realize any of the true and lasting happiness that is currently my life on this planet. You are a gem of a person, incredibly hot and possibly the best buddy a human girl could ever hope to have. I.heart.you! Mwah!

I'm DONE!!!!!!!

I'm done. I'm done, done, done. Done=me! That's right folks, the eagle has landed!
Whew! Quick show of hands, who thought I wasn't gonna make it? K. {cracks knuckles} where were we? Let's see. I have a new friend. His name is Ahn-drash [that's phonetical BTW -- i have a feeling I'd butcher the real spelling]. He is from Hungary. Been here for a year. Very nice young man. Wanted to know if I was American {giggle}. Not sure why he decided to come to this particular rathole of a country but I'm sure I will be finding out soon enough. [Just kidding BTW. The United States of America is (are?) not a rathole(s?). This is the greatest country ever and anyone who doesn't believe that needs to take their terrorist a** back to Canada, Pronto!]

{Sigh} I'm sooo happy right now. Tired, disoriented and dropping stuff but happy nontheless! I have lunch planned with my BBQ, I have celebratory drinks after work planned with the glorious Miss Tail and, most importantly of all I have no papers due!!!!!

O.K. Quick question? Why can I not get it up for femmey girls? There's a very nice girl in my now defunct Tuesdee class who has made it very clear that she wouldn't mind "keeping in touch over the summer" (heh, heh, heh...) and I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, "you're interesting. You're funny. Why the heck shouldn't I hang out with you." But then I think about my Pretend Girlfriend who is also interesting and funny as well as being just plain HOT and I find myself not really all that interested in Little Miss Longhair anymore. Ah well. C'est la vie and all of that. It takes all types right?

Forced to start killing folks...!

O.K. seriously, if after being told that my diet consists primarily of egg noodles and brown gravy, one more otherwise sensible adult acts like I just said "crack cocaine and lead" I will, hand-to-god, go Kill Bill 3 on thier ass! Can we all please remember, carbs don't kill people, stupid extreme diets kill people! God! I am in such an irritable mood today! I'm on page freaking 8 of a million page paper and i have nothing . else . to . say! If the Children were here they could all sit around in my living room talking about inane shit and at least providing some sort of diversion, but no they've decided Austin is better suited to their delicate skating sensibilities -- Austin! I ask you...??? I want a backrub, a margarita, some salty chips and a clean house. I want this stupid paper done and I do not want to be thinking I should probably sign up for a summer class. I do not want to be in any way responsible for anything right now. I want someone to feed me, bathe me, make sure i get ten hours sleep a night and that I don't look stupid when i walk out of the house in the morning. And, yes, I get that had I started this stupid paper earlier I would not be sitting here right this second freaking out. aaarrrrrggggggg! I want my Mommy. (Or at least the person my mommy was when I was 8 and the school nurse told her I was "easily distractable and possibly learning impaired" -- Turns out, I just needed glasses. Couldn't see the board. Boy, did my go ballistic on that lady's a**! Tee Hee! anyway.... back to this stupid paper.)

Happy B-Day Mistah Lovah-Lovah!

You are continually proving to be well worth your purchase price and then some! Hope your actual birthday is FABULOUS and that you get all the cool camera shit your sweet, Canadian heart desires! And sex. I hope you get lots of sex, too!

I don wanna talk about it...

Poker sucks.

At the time of my leaving though, this new chick Nikki looked pretty much to be cleaning up though so, I'm confident that the estrogen still prevailed last night!

Speaking of which, coupla thoughts about boys. First off, last night we had some new peeps adding thier personalities to the poker-age and while I'm all for increasing the pool of money that I will win, one particular new person introduced cigars into the mix and I just have to say -- not all that impressed. It was funny though, When the subject of smoking came up, me and Sir James were kind of hemming and hawing, not thrilled but not being particularly explicit about our disapproval either (which, obviously DIDN'T WORK because half the room started puffing anyway!) but the first thing Sweet Miss K. said upon entering after a long day spent helping the less fortunate stop bleeding was "My God, what stinks??!" She then made everybody open all the windows and went on quite loudly for awhile about how annoying the smell/smoke was. K. rocks!

Anyway, I was talking about boys.... What was I going to say about that? Hmmmm. Oh, yeah, so Cigar Man, in introducing the concept of smokage actually did ask if anyone would mind but he only asked the girls. Or rather he asked the boys what they thought the girls would think. The girls who were sitting right there. In the room. Actively engaging in the conversation and stuff. "How about the ladies?" Cigar Man inquired politely. I have no idea why this stands out as weird to me but it felt solicitous yet dismissive at the same time. ESPECIALLY when the anti-smokers were fairly divided evenly moungst the sexes. Anyway. Sort of drove home the point that there are some men that I'm just not going to "get" and that's o.k.

Second thing I was thinking involved older boys (like in their 20s) and little girls (we're talking 6 years old and below). Now before we go leaping to the tried and true knee-jerk, cliched reactions vis a vis these types of relationships let me just say that this is not going to be a fear-based discussion about a few people who lose complete control of thier ability to set and recognize appropriate boundaries (if they ever had the ability that is.) Child-molesters suck. We hate them. Moving on. What I find interesting is the fact that there seems to be some impetus for twenty something boys to really connect with little girls in a way that is really comfortable and easy for both of the parties involved. Boo has at least three older gentleman friends ranging in age from 23 to 29. They are all upstanding (mostly), responsible, sweet young men and, for some reason, they all seem to really enjoy hanging out with my kid. And we're not talking about babysitting here, we're talking about hanging out, having conversations, factoring in time to re-connect, getting added to the official Boo phone list, etc. etc. etc. For the record I think it's great but I'm still a little in awe of my six year old's ability to have the kind of relationships with grown men (minus the sex) that most of my straight girl friends would KILL for. Anyway. This is already getting rambley so I'll stop now. Happy day people. Make sure it's fun!

Tired but generally good...

And about to KICK SOME POKER A**!!!! Thas right, Baby! Throwing down will happen tonight! Some will win, some will lose -- but all will be dominated!!

eh, hem. Now then. I'm changing the referrential name of my New Girlfriend to Pretend Girlfriend, mostly because I don't want/am not ready for/am getting wierded out by even joking about having anything even close to a G-friend ever again so, for now (because I like her and want to keep talking about her ad infinitum) I'm going with a fresh monniker. Pretend Girlfriend called me last night to arrange for some carpooling type activity and can I JUST say I got soooo happy about it. Beyond all reason actually. No idea what my deal is. I'd spent the evening at school having inappropriate connversations with the 22-year-old-children in my class so, I guess maybe I was just kind of excited to be able to flirt with a peer for awhile. Anyways. Me=starving so I'm out, out, out. Peace!

I'm thick!

I am dying! I am stuffy and sneezey and tired-ey... I know, I know. Poor little basically healthy, getting to play with websites all day, going to a great school and getting to "intellectually engage" with some of the finest minds in the Oakland Unified School District, mom to world's perfect-est 6 y.o., loved and supported by the world's coolest family, surrounded by a pack of buddies that are scary in thier overall perfection... blah, blah, blah... Actually. No "blah, blah." Writing that list just put me in a much better mood. Ha! go figure. At any rate, let's discuss my group last night shall we?

First, let me begin by saying one of the members of my little four person discussion group is across the board one of the most objectively, physically beautiful girls the world has ever produced. I mean this. I am convinced that 97% of the known world would recognize some hint of classical gorgeousness in this Lady's perfectly symetrical features, pearly little teeth, dark, flashing eyes, rounded smooth features and full curving body etc. And yet, I have to say, There is another lady in our group who is much more angular, sits kind of hunched over. thinner lips. A bit freckled who I would soooooooooo much rather be stranded with if you get my meaning. At any rate. We had quite a delightful discussion around The Essential Conversation vis a vis parent/teacher conferences and "authentic" connections to student work (I know, booooring but I find it kind of fascinating -- well, as fascinating as a thing can be when you're sick and coasting on two hours sleep...) and it came out that this little pack of soon-to-be teachers are somewhat terrified of talking to parents! Now, representing the other side of that coin (myself being a parent that gets all wierd and defensive at P/T confs.) I found that FASCINATING! Like whatamIgonna do? Bite you?? And if I did, how would that translate to how you'd treat my child...? anyway. interesting.

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On a much sadder note, the Children are leaving me. They're off off off to join GW in the land of Bush -- Damn you Texas Man! Damn you for creeping into my Angel's life and stealing away my only connection to the up and coming generation!! Hmmmm. well. probably for the best (i don't think I was doing all that great a job raising three twenty-somethings -- the "incest" alone would have Social Services knocking on my door in at least 36 of the continental United States...!) I'll miss you guys v. much. I hope things are fabulous for you out there and that you will call and write and just generally let me know how you are. Remember, if you need ANYTHING ... call OT's dad, he's loaded!

2 -- count em -- 2 hours of sleep last night...

What in God's name is my problem. Like it isn't enough that I have to figure out a way to produce 20 odd pages of public policy analysis by next Tuesday, I need to keep myself awake all freaking night as well???? {sigh} It's all good though because my own personal saviour-chick over in the Marketing Dept. just gave me a tiny pizza and I got to see my New Girlfriend (who is sick so there's that whole additional level of adorable-ness going on there!) K. I just wanted to check in and whine a little. I'll stop now.

Fucking elephants...!

K. So my kid tells me she had a bad dream last night. Apparently she "was going into the man's house because the elephant told her it was o.k. but then when she got inside the lady screamed at her."

What the F---??! First off, what the hell is an elephant doing telling my kid she can go into some random house where there is obviously a crazy person living and second off, how dare some wacked out female start screaming at my kid for something she was in no way responsible for? (!!) Bitch.

Anyway. We had a snuggle and it was all good, but still. I think kid's scary dreams are scarier than adult scary dreams. i mean, I can kind of tell where most of my anxiety dreams are coming from. But talking elephants that set you up?? I mean, what're you gonna do with that?

In other news, going to the Bee's house tonight for some fun and festivities. Yay, us! Then heading into a week-end that looks remarkably "ish-oos" free -- except for the fact that I have to write yet another paper (due on Monday.) {Sigh.} How is it that one can be so close, and yet still so far....

Bite marks...

Howdy folks. Let me begin by saying I am tired. Let me go on to say that for the first time in quite along time I know exactly why i'm so tired and truth be told I don't mind even a little bit!

Eh hem, now then, where were we. Hung out with my New Girlfriend last night. Have I mentioned that that girl is freaking HOT?? Well, she is. And sweet. We went out for drinks and to go get our Vietnamese food on (I think those of you who know me even a little bit can guess just how wrapped I currently am based entriely on the fact that when NG suggested Vietnamese food my response was "K.!") during which events NG spent a good amount of time providing very thoughtful and detailed analysees of some questions I'd come up with for my Families and Communities class. NG rocks. Stayed out too late though and spent way too much time analysing every single thing both of us said and did so I didn't get to sleep until 3am or something obnoxious like that. Still and all though. I like her. She's a keeper that one. Hopefully she will continue to grace me with her exalted presence. Please, please, please.....

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In slightly sadder news, the elderly father of my Kid's other Parent passed away yesterday. My condolences CP. I hope you get the support you need around this and that this provides some of the closure you were looking for.

Aight. I actually have an incredibly busy day today so I'm out, out out! Happy Thursday to you all!

Stupid happy right about now...

First, can i JUST wish a big ole hearty CONGRATULATIONS to my dear friend Elise and her (now) wife, Jenny on thier recent nups! Here's wishing you kids all the best that life has to offer and then some!

Next, can i just say OUCH! re: BBQ lopping off most of her hand and forearm in a tragic blender accident. She went over a few of the more pertinent details vis a vis "painkiller" injected directly into the tip of her severed finger {shudder} but I really can't dwell on it right now..... Suffice to say, i am soooooo sorry you got hurt, BBQ and that your hand continues to hurt. If you need anything from me (Headscratches, back rubs, undoing buttons, eh, hem...) you just let me know, Missy! I am sooo there!

And finally let me just say i am soooo feeling the love from my crush-objects right now! (Interesting that it took me swearing off them to inspire this devotion.... veerrrryyy interesting, indeed! But still, nice!) My beautiful Prof. Ketelle went on yet another fact finding mission, this time to the sunny shores of San Diego and (without a single prompting word from yours truly!) brought me back another fridge magnet for me to add to my now really quite impressive collection! We heart her so much it hurts! Then I have a "date" with my New Girlfriend tomorrow wherein we will sit around discussing "community" issues and, more importantly, wherein I will have an opportunity to stare at her like the lovesick, pathetoid that i am and not have to worry about freaking either of us out overly much! how great is my paper-writing life right now???? k. nuff about all of that. I just had some moments to kill before class and i was feeling strangely upbeat about the life. more tomorrow, maybe. if I don't expire from the sheer happiness first!

Hello, Bunnies!

Happy Easter everyone! Spent a good chunk of my Easter Day at the B house and can I JUST say, those people are fab-u-lous! I am so glad they let me hang around their amazing family-ness, I really am. Easter Din consisted of some very yummy mashed tates, asparagus and a side of pork -- very tasty and very filling! I got to take a few pounds home with me to snack on throughout the course of my six-hour paper writing stint. Speaking of which, I am so tired right now that I may die. Seriously. The kid was up all night Sat. night, meaning her mom was up all night as well -- the key difference being that the kid accepted the fact that she was up and actually got some stuff done whereas her mom kept trying to pretend she wasn't actually awake and instead spent the better part of the night lying very still with her eyes squeezed shut listening to the refrigerator door open and close, the dolls come out, cheerios being poured, etc. Seriously, even the cats got annoyed (they're not allowed to wake me up so they do this thing where they hover three inches away from my face until I'm officially awake then they start pushing at me in an effort to get petted/fed so this whole "fake sleep" thing was really messing with their mojo. "Is she awake?" "Will she pet us?" "Are we allowed to jump on her?" "Oh, whatever. Let's go play with the little one.")

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Paper 1 of 3 actually did get written though (i haven't re-read it yet so I'll bet it's a mess but at least it's out of my head and onto paper), that's good. Two more to go and I'm free free free! Well, at least for the next coupla months anyway.

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I had a third thing to write about but I've forgotten what it was. Hmmmmmmmm. Spent waaayyyyyy too much time this week-end thinking about my New Girlfriend (calm down everyone, we're only together in my head which is probably for the best. Fewer opportunities to argue about how we never have sex anymore. ha! Sorry.) Oh! I remember what it was -- I peeked outside last night and saw that my amazing front door neighbor had not only completely freshened up the front (my front, her back) yard but that she'd also cleaned up up the miniscule plot of land that me and the Boo use when we're pretending we know anything about gardening! Yay, her! We wuv!! K. That's it for right now. I'm off to find coffee. Lots of it. In fact I wonder if Starbucks does an intravenous feed...?

I'm gonna die.

AAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!! Want - to - flirt! Must ... resist...! (Where the hell is a cold shower when you need one??!)

Just thinking...

You know what sucks about the whole "celibacy" thing? The week or so every month when it SEEMS LIKE A REALLY BAD IDEA!!!!!!!

K. Breathing now.

Easter at the Bee's haus! Whoo Hoo! Imma gonna get my egg-hunt ON!

Get This Party Started!

O.K. so is "Get This Party Started" by Pink not THE BEST SONG EVER??

"boulevard is freakin' as I'm coming up fast
I'll be burning rubber
You'll be kissin' my a**!"

Genius!!!

(And don't give me any of that "Well, I'd hardly call it the best ever -- what about the Beatles White album or anything by Zepplin?? In the parlance of my six-year-old {roll eyes} "Blah, blah, blah!")

K. So anyway. I had declared celibacy regarding my getting crushed out on folks during the month of April, onna counta I have sixteen zillion papers due by the freakin' 27th (!!) I declared celibacy regarding having actual sex too but that was more rooted in the fact that I just wasn't liking the sex I was having (Ha! Kidding! Actually it just the ONE that I was DISSATISFIED with. Pretty Boy was great! :-] ) Hee Hee. Sorry, I just really love being aboe to talk about people without haveing to hear back from them right away. Especially when WE ALL KNOW who I'm talking about but if that person gets all ansty at me they're basically outting themselves as a LOUSY LAY and thereby setting themselves up for years of ribbing by pretty much every single one of our mutual friends. {sigh} It's good to be Queen. Now then, where the heck was I?? Oh yes, crushed out. I'm not crushed out yet, but I can sense it coming on. It doesn't help that everyone here is so freakin' adorable and nice and accomodating... and that all we do all day is talk about SEX. I know. Poresito. Shutting up now.

Except, I'm trying not to be a freak about this.

Shout Out to BBQ!

I -- heart -- you!!!! {mwah, mwah!}

I'm in a weird mood right now. I just got off the phone with this CHILD who, when I told him that I maybe was kind of possibly starting to like this person I work with, stated: "Great! Did you need to borrow my bike or are you going to chase this one down on foot?" Which was not only not funny, I'd have to say it bordered on obnoxious, especially coming from him, ferchrissakes... yet and still, though... it got me thinking. What it got me thinking was this: Have I ever been involved with someone with whom I have not made the proverbial "first move?" I really don't think I have. Why is that? Maybe it might be a good thing to see if it's even possible for me to just hang out with someone I like and stop trying to freaking force everything. Not in this instance of course. This instance is a "soooo not going anywhere" sitch but maybe... possibly... if I ever decide adult humans are again worth the effort.... Nah. I've taken my vow of celibacy (which extends to crushes) and i will stand fast regardless of the myriad temptations... {snicker} Quick show of hands, who believed that one??

Is anyone else disturbed by the image of a key member of the Trinity smirking and wearing a turtleneck??

Who's supporting who?

Know why I love my kid? (I mean, besides the obvious...!) Because she's constantly crafting these moments wherein I can feel like I'm a good mom. Case in point, we're in my "Families and Community" class last night discussing school newsletters and Prof. D is making a list of reasons for sending these things out, so he calls on this one chick who says "Newsletters are a good way to inform parents of things that might be coming up or that might be important to the kids but not necessarily to the parents."

K. So while Prof. is writing this down, Kid says to me sotto voice but still loud enough for surrounding classpeeps to hear: "Mommy, is there anything that is important to me that isn't important to you?" To which I get to reply: "Nope. If it's important to you it's important to me!" Thus ensuring that I have a warm, supportive, "good mommy" medal practically glued to my chest for the rest of the evening. I swear, it's like slow pitch softball. I know she's feeding me the easy ones but gosh, it still feels really good to be able to occasionally knock one out of the park!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

My extreme thanks and gratitude to all those who lent an entertaining hand this week-end and assisted in Boo watchage thus allowing me to wallow waist-deep in paper-producing -- I am grateful to have such fabulous persons in my life to serve not only as eye-candy but also as stand-up pals when I need somewhat responsible types to entrust the only thing that really matters in my life to. You collectively rock!

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K. Know what I hate about Daylight Savings time? (I mean, besides the part where we lose a freaking hour of our lives??!) I hate the fact that for the first few days, weeks , months, following the switch I've got this wierd mistrust of time. I mean, seriously, it's like the we had something that was real, that I depended on and now... well, I just don't know any more nawwhattamean? It's like a bad relationship where you know you should leave but for whatever reason you just can't so you stick around but deep down you're just waiting for the next time.... Anyway. We'll do some group therapy around this. It'll be fine.

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I finally found a real, concrete use for cell phones. Work just ordered me to carry around this "tool-of-the-devil", (Bastards. Although, by and large, they continue to rock hard so I'm not really complaining even though it does feel the tiniest bit FAUSTIAN! Anyway...) so, yesterday I'm waiting in the movie theatre for Friend Number One to show up with my child who he's managed to abscond with for a large chunk of the day and I realize that they're not going to arrive on time because time isn't exactly being what you might call "straight up" about anything so i call him -- from the theatre! Just like that! Didn't have to go outside into the freezing cold. Didn't have to find a freaking quarter. Didn't have to do a damn thing other than pick up the world's tiniest phone, figure out how to turn it on, push some random combination of numerals and hope to god it actually connected to the person I wanted it to... et viola! There he was! At home. About 40 minutes away from a show which started in 15. He may be useless as a friend but I have to say I'm begining to see the lowly cell phone in a whole different light! Now if I can just figure out how to turn it off....

Happy Birthday!

Happy B-Day Travelin' Man (yesterday, actually, but I find that if I don't write about this stuff as it occurs to me well then it'll never get posted!) hope the day was Fab-u-lous and that you are enjoying the very few years left to you on this planet! Ha! Kidding. you don't look a day over 47! Really, I mean that!

Reason #6 why I {heart} my kid's teacher

Me: [serious, frown-ey expression] So, I've been reading The Essential Conversation by Sarah Lawrence-Lightfoot and i just have to say that I've been completely moved by it and regard it as one of Education's seminal texts. I hope we can put some of her key principles in action today during our Parent/Teacher conference and really have some authentic connection around the Boo.

Boo's teacher: [Huge smile] Well, I hadn't planned on any of that but I'll see what I can throw together!

Hee Hee! She's a keeper that one!

Sigh...

Good feeling's gone. Now I'm just tired.